Resolutions

I've been thinking about the end of 2008 for a while. Truthfully, I've been looking forward to it.

It's been a year that's brought amazing events and celebrations, some that I've dreamed about and some beyond my imagination.

It's also brought enormous challenges and losses that continue to test me, my clients and those I love.

As I wrote in a previous post
(_http://presentperfectcoach.blogspot.com/2008/12/time-in-bottle.html_), 2008 is the longest year since 1992, thanks to the leap day of February 29 and the extra leap-second that will be added before midnight.

If ever a year needed to find a graceful conclusion, it's this one. At least IMHO.

I know I'll review 2008 and remember all its perfect moments and lessons. Later.

Right now I'm going to think about 2009.

I'm not much for resolutions and lists, but fortunately, media blogger Chris Brogan made a list of what NOT to do in 2009 that contains points of perfection (at least for the coach in me):

Stop waiting for something to come that will make everything better (if only).

And: Stop striving for perfection, and strive for execution instead.

He adds a few things that we all might add to our "To Do" lists:

Work on interesting projects that matter to you (and empower others to participate).

Discover your passions (and share them openly)

So in the spirit of the season, this gift: the Brogan lists:

http://www.chrisbrogan.com/12-things-to-stop-doing-in-2009/

Seems like a great foundation for 2009.

Happy New Year!

I Am Who I Am

“I don’t want to be jealous, but I think that maybe I am.”

This admission came from a vice president at a national non-profit organization. In the past year, he had moved from running the main communications arm of the organization into a more specialized role, designing specific strategies to move his coalition into the 21st Century.

“Michael” has the most fascinating background of almost anyone I know. Peace Corps volunteer, newspaper correspondent and editor, university instructor, fellowship grantee, government consultant, television news producer and more. He has a talent for taking complex ideas and situations and presenting them in a way that is accessible to people of every stripe. He exhibits a sense of empathy and patience, knowing what context his audiences need to understand the issues and challenges before them.

Ironically, that patience and empathy often go missing inside an office. Michael can whip up at least three fresh strategic ideas each day, with a clear vision of how to put them in motion. Yet he becomes extremely impatient when his managers or senior executives fail to understand or quickly enact his plans. That impatience has surfaced everywhere he has worked.

Another piece of irony: Michael has a gift for supervising and developing subordinates. He listens completely, encourages dissent, welcomes creative thinking, is generous with appreciation and credit AND fights hard to get his staff the resources and promotion they deserve.

But Michael has no interest in nor time for “managing up,” as the saying goes. He figures that anyone on the executive level should automatically know what they're doing and it's not his job to teach them.

Whatever else one might say about Michael’s executive officers, they deserve credit for recognizing that Michael’s strategic talents might best be utilized in a position less likely to generate so much friction between him and his higher-ups. And thanks to his staff development efforts, one of Michael’s direct reports needed little grooming to move into the vice presidency vacancy created by Michael’s transition into his new role.

Which brings us back to the matter of jealousy. Michael’s replacement is having much more success in persuading senior management to consider and try new communications models – models that usually come from Michael’s new office.

“I don’t understand why they listen to her when they wouldn’t listen to me,” he said.

“What does she do that is different?” I asked.

“Well, she listens to all their asinine objections, even when she knows they’re wrong. She compliments them about their input and observations. She almost never says ‘no’ to any of their requests, even when it might jeopardize a more important project.”

“Hmmm. Seems like she had a great teacher.”

Michael paused, then laughed. “Yeah, I guess that sounds a lot like the way I treated my old staff.”

Michael recognized the patterns of his behavior, the good and the bad. He’d always had a reputation for being a wonderful boss, and at the same time, he’d had problems with authority all his working life. He knew he did his best work when given space and autonomy.

Michael recognized his patterns. And he recognized that after all these years, he had no desire to change them. Even in service of a better title and a bigger pay check. He had the self awareness to know what he was willing to do, and what he was not.

He’d just lost sight of that reality for a moment, even as he was taking pride in the accomplishments of his former manager.

“Still jealous?” I asked.

“Maybe a little,” he smiled. “But I think it’s under control.”

A Perfect Christmas

Once again, we’re on the eve of a major holiday. Some people consider it to be the biggest day on the calendar for spiritual and religious reasons. For others, it’s a time when (most) commercial work shuts down and families spend time together.

Christmas always has the potential for exponentially more stress than Thanksgiving. The expectations are so much higher – gifts, decorations, traditions. Even those who don’t celebrate the Christian holiday can’t help but absorb the surrounding tension. Christmas 2008 is gearing up to be the most challenging in decades with the economy and even the weather across the country conspiring to make everyone work harder to get to their celebration.

There never has been a more difficult or better time to find the perfect moment.

If you’ve struggled to find the money for Christmas presents, pause to appreciate the gift of people you cherish so much that you want to celebrate them. If you are trudging your way across town or across the country to join loved ones for the holidays, take time to appreciate the actual journey you’ve chosen. If you’ve taken vacation time to enjoy holiday, also celebrate the fact that, in this economy, you have a job to return to after Christmas.

2008 may be the perfect time to redefine and rediscover the true “reason for the season.”

Merry Christmas and grateful thanks giving to us all, every one.

What Not To Wear -- Extended

There's a recurring theme on my guilty pleasure television show What Not To Wear http://tinyurl.com/33e7h (see my previous post for background)

It's people who punish themselves about their bodies. These are folks who have put on a few pounds over the years, or whose shapes have changed after the birth of children, or illness or just the passage of time. Some of these people have plans to diet or start working out. They plan to buy new clothes and upgrade their wardrobes…just as soon as they drop those pounds, tighten those abs and tone up.

WNTW stylists Stacy London and Clinton Kelly point out how self-defeating this attitude can be. Because the underlying message here is that people don’t deserve to look good in their clothes until their bodies are perfect.

A wardrobe should not be used as self-punishment. Everyone deserves to wear clothes that fit and enhance their appearance, whether they are size four or size 24.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in setting goals as a source for motivation and change. At the same time, unmet goals can be a source of self-flagellation; a handy cat-o-nine tails to reinforce a sense of self-loathing and defeat. Exaggerated focus on a goal can obliterate the view of the victories large and small accomplished along the way, every day.

To quote a dear friend: “when you wait for the perfect time, you may already be in it and
miss it.”

Time In A Bottle

For everyone who has wished for more time (and who hasn’t?), you’re about the get your wish.

This momentous year of 2008 will NOT end at the stroke of midnight. Instead, a “leap second” will be added on to the last minute of the year.

According to the Daily Telegraph of London http://tinyurl.com/6yk3f2 , this tweak is being done because the earth is gradually slowing down as it spins on its axis. It will be the 24th such adjustment since 1972.

This leap year of 2008 already was lengthened by an extra day on February 29. The extra second will make it the longest year since 1992.

Now you have more time. What will you do with it?

Letting Go

10 Questions for Ron Howard

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1864441,00.html

What was the most difficult part about making the transition from actor to director? Matthew Peterson HOT SPRINGS, ARK.

For me it was learning to not control everything. When you're directing, of course, you're supervising everything, but if you don't trust the artists you're collaborating with, you wind up tying one of their hands behind their back. My work got much, much better when I learned to let go a little bit.

I read this in the waiting room of the Oncology Radiation department of a local hospital, waiting for a friend to complete the latest treatment. The cancer, which seemed to be getting under control, actually had spread. And that brought us to Oncology Radiation.

The cancer announced its new assault by causing a seizure. Because of that seizure, my friend no longer can drive. And all the fragile fragments of normality that have provided comfort since the original diagnosis have been blown away like leaves in a brisk autumn wind.

Child actor-turned-award-winning director Ron Howard was talking about transitions and the benefits of letting go. My friend’s transitions are not by choice. Yet, each day is filled with the learning of letting go, and living in the moment of each day’s challenge.

No matter what we think we control, it always comes back to the hand we’re dealt, and how we choose to play those cards. That’s all we control, and that has more power than we know.

What Not To Wear

We all have our guilty pleasures. One of mine is a reality television show.

I LOVE “What Not To Wear” on the TLC cable network.
http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/whatnottowear/whatnottowear.html

For the uninitiated, WNTW follows the untiring work of two fashion “stylists,” Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, as they ambush nominated fashion victims, secretly videotape their fashion faux pas, expose them to an unforgiving 360 degree mirror, trash their existing wardrobes and then whisk them to New York where, after being given a set of strict fashion rules divined for their specific body and figure types, the fashion miscreants are given a VISA card with $5,000 to buy a whole new wardrobe. The makeover includes a session with a top-notch hair stylist and a professional makeup artist. All of this transformation takes place over the course of a week.

At first blush, this has the elements of a lot of reality shows – humiliation, transformation. But I LOVE this show, because it is the best coaching metaphor EVER.

360 degree mirror? Hello? What else is this torture but a version of the 360 review that is found throughout corporate America? The ambush and the “secret footage” provide the perfect compliment, giving friends and co-workers given permission to voice their honest opinions in a safe environment, while the nominee is forced to face how she (and yes, most of the nominees are women) is perceived by the rest of the world.

Those multiple views strip away every self delusional lie: “it’s not THAT short; THAT tight; THAT long; THAT loose; THAT bland; THAT bright; THAT low-cut; THAT sexy; THAT old, THAT worn; THAT torn; THAT inappropriate; THAT awful.”

Stacy and Clinton are there to reinforce – “Yes, it’s really THAT BAD.”

After this forced, public introspection, the two stylists then show the participants clothing options that better suit their body types, profession, life style and age. Sometimes this requires gently getting people to accept that their bodies have changed. Sometimes it means acknowledging that times have changed – what worked in the 1990’s no longer applies in the new millennium.

Every episode has a happy ending. The participants learn that their clothes can reveal more about who they are than the words that come out of their mouths. They reflect on why they clung so hard to their old image, and the possibilities of the new. They learn the rewards of change, and the sense of accomplishment that can come from the simple act of taking a risk.

A lot of people would be willing to trade their old image for a makeover and a free shopping trip to New York. I’d guess most of the participants on “What Not To Wear” would say their experience was worth a lot more.

New wardrobe? $5,000. New Self awareness? Priceless.

Gratitude Attitude

It’s the morning before Thanksgiving and I’ve been up for awhile because I have a lot do: more food to get, more cleaning to finish and more cooking to start. I’ll be running around for most of the day, like people all over the country.

Fortunately, I’ve got a good start on the number one thing on my “to do” list.

Giving thanks.

My thanksgiving began in earnest last night as each of my children made it home safely from their respective colleges. One came by air and one came by car. When my son came through the door, the three of us remained in a group hug that lasted for about a full minute. We basked in the appreciation of the moment.

Now, I’m sure you’ve probably heard or read about this before, but there are numerous academic and medical studies that show the multiple benefits of the practice of gratitude. Robert A. Emmons, PhD, a professor of psychology at University of California, Davis, is a pioneer in the research on gratitude and one of the leading scholars in positive psychology. His book Thanks: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier, presents the results of studies in which randomly selected participants made weekly and daily lists of the things in their lives that created feelings of gratitude or times when they experienced gratitude. When compared with those groups which focused on the things that bugged them, or the group that made no lists at all, the researchers recorded these advantages in the Gratitude Group:

• Fewer health complaints
• Fewer symptoms of physical illness
• Better sleep patterns
• Better relations with other people
• Greater empathy
• Greater satisfaction with life as a whole

Research by Phillip Watkins, a clinical psychologist at Eastern Washington University, found that a grateful attitude may provide useful coping skills for dealing with losses and other stressful events.

I’m particularly focused on Watkins’ research today, because this has been a tough, tough year for so many people. The economic upheaval has touched everyone I know, personally and professionally. The universal constant is uncertainty.

I certainly claim no immunity. This year has brought unexpected losses of loved ones, health challenges and financial reversals that demand a continual review and reevaluation of assumptions, values and priorities. If I wasn’t clear before about what matters, I’ve had to figure it out, again and again.

Yet, as Emmons’ and Watkins’ studies show, it’s during times like these that gratitude matters most. The practice of gratitude teaches that we have the resilience and resources to handle the tough times, and can generate the confidence that we’ll be able to handle whatever lies ahead.

Consider: in the midst of international recession and global uncertainty, the people of the United States have made a historic choice which speaks to the promise of our democracy and our collective sense of resilience. No one knows what’s going to happen next, but polls show the majority of Americans are choosing to be hopeful about our future.

I’d call that a gratitude practice.

I’ve got to get to the rest of my “to do” list.

Happy thanks giving -- today, tomorrow and every day.

The Wrong Play

It was one of his first public appearances in his new role. He’d been named to head up the regional office of a national not-for-profit organization, with a focus on social services and urban policy.

His audience was made up of members of a national service organization. He’d been a member since college. Before him was an array of local community, business and political leaders; people who could be critical to his success in his new position.

He decided to start with an ice breaker. He was in a city of rabid sports fans and his speaking engagement came during the overlap between the height of the NFL season and the beginning of the NBA season. And he had a special connection. His first career was in major league sports, including playing for a team that won a division championship.

After the obligatory “It’s so good to be here….I’m excited about my new position…” he reached into his pocket and pulled out his division championship ring. “Thought I’d show you something that folks around here never get to see…an NFL championship ring!”

He laughed heartily as the audience collectively sucked in a deep breath. Then a smattering of “boos” circulated around the ballroom.

Did I mention that the speaker had played for the main NFL team rivals of his hosts?

I wish I could write that the speaker recovered and managed to connect with his audience during the balance of his remarks. Alas, that was not the case. His speech included multiple references to his previous successes, and his vision for his new job. No acknowledgement of any learning curve. No openings for buy-in among the people in the room.

You don’t have to be a coach to see the path to the goalpost just got a lot longer and a lot harder for this leader. And to realize that effective leadership requires more than a vision and a willingness to charge ahead.

To Be Real

Every working person has had that moment where you wonder “What am I doing here?”

In fact, the question usually surfaces hundreds of times during the course of our working lives. Sometimes it’s a nagging thought, sometimes it’s like a stalker and sometimes it reaches critical mass, hitting us upside the head like a ball peen hammer.

The question can be sparked by any number of circumstances, alone or in combination. Like the realization that time has been passing without any career plan or direction. Or it can be one missed promotion too many. Too little growth. Too much responsibility with too few resources. Too many jerks. Too little passion. Too much anxiety. Too little money. Too many signals that the company or the industry is going south.

Payton’s critical “What am I doing here?” moment was triggered by a number of factors. She’d enjoyed a long, successful career in journalism, with many awards to her credit. Her reporting had achieved recognition across her region and beyond. She had earned the respect of the people she covered and the audience she served, with a reputation for fairness.

Yet. The media business continued to be buffeted by the tsunami forces of shrinking audience and revenues, and Payton’s shop was no exception. Her newsroom was being tasked to provide more and more content, with fewer resources. Payton’s specialty – in-depth reporting on disadvantaged communities – was being marginalized. And in an industry that celebrates youth, her years of experience suddenly seemed like a liability.

So when a government executive offered the chance to work on policies affecting the communities she’d come to care about, Payton decided her combination of circumstances practically ordained her choice. She leapt into public service.

Countless journalists have made similar transitions. And even though most people define reporters as impartial and detached, the truth is that most journalists are drawn to the profession by qualities like curiosity and a desire to affect change through their reporting. The best investigative reporters are passionate and dogged in their pursuit of the facts. They couldn’t be effective if they weren’t.

The idea of moving from observer to policy maker can be awfully seductive. And it can take on the patina of fantasy. Because of your direct involvement, you begin to create a vision of success. And better still, that success is within your control, because now you’re on the inside, where decisions are made and things happen.

Unless they don’t. Payton soon began to realize that the legislator’s vision of policy change was far different from her own, in both direction and pace. The access she assumed she’d have turned out to be more assumption than reality. It was hard to tell whether she was observing conflicting government interests, or simply a lack of interest. Within months, she found herself feeling marginalized, ineffective and powerless.

Worst of all, Payton felt inauthentic. As though she had given up a core piece of herself in order to pursue what seemed to be a greater good. Before she knew it, she was right back at critical mass with the question “What am I doing here?”

This story has a happy ending. Because of the way Payton left her reporting job, the door was open when she inquired about her former position. And after discussions with her old boss, the decision to return to the newsroom was as clear as her decision to leave.

There are no bad decisions in Payton’s journey. She was right to pay attention to her internal question “What am I doing here?” She was right to evaluate herself and her career, to weigh her job options against her values and priorities, and her desire to affect change in service of the greater good.

Was it easy? No. Risky? Hell, yes.

What if she had not been able to return to her old job? Would she have been so quick to leave her government post? Her salary? Even in view of her family obligations?

Payton says yes. The experience showed her how vital it is for her to be her authentic self. To be real. To be true to herself.

It was perfect.

November 5, 2008

About a half-hour after president-elect Barack Obama made his speech in Chicago's Grant park, my college senior son sent me a text message:

"I love this country."

And because I live in a country where my son can make that statement with complete conviction, I love this country, too.

What Voters Want

It’s Election Eve in America, and I’m attempting to take a break from all the hyperbole and hyperventilation that has surrounded this marathon. Most people I know are extremely invested in the presidential race, and I admit I have a strong preference about the outcome.

But in these few remaining hours before everything becomes focused on Election Day turnout, and before people become consumed by their elation or disappointment in the outcome of the race, I want to pause and think about some unexpected lessons from the campaign.

I have been fascinated to observe how these candidate choices have forced people in America and beyond to perform an internal audit of who they are and what they believe. So much of American political discourse – from both ends of the spectrum – has been identity politics. Red/Blue, liberal/conservative, black/white, pro-war/anti-war, old/young, male/female, rural/urban, citizen/immigrant.

It’s as though we’ve divided ourselves into gangs.

We all like to see ourselves as rational, reasoning people who vote on the issues, but the importance of identity is inescapable. And this election, like no other I can remember, is forcing people to examine and prioritize what’s important to them.

How much does my desire to have someone who Looks Like Me in the oval office rule my vote? And what part of me do I want reflected? My gender? My ethic heritage? My age demographic? Where do my beliefs come into play? Which ones are absolute? Which are negotiable?

Imagine what these questions can mean for someone who never before had to weigh the issues of race and gender when choosing a presidential candidate, someone who always saw themselves reflected in the possible choices.

It’s scary for all of us.

More than anything else, I believe I hear a basic human truth in this election: people want to be heard. They want to be seen for all the things they are, for all of their complexity. Don’t assume you know me because of my race, or my gender or where I grew up or my education. Don’t assume anything about me.

Talk to me. Hear me. Acknowledge me.

Every person on this earth craves recognition in one form or another. Voting is our collective demand to be heard.

And for the voters and the candidates, I hope that demand continues to resonate long after November 4.

For What It's Worth

It was appropriate that the client was calling from his car. By any definition, Julian was a man in motion, in transition.

The formal subject of our conversation was a job offer. Julian had traveled across three states to meet with his longtime client. Their ten year relationship was built on mutual respect and appreciation, and now the organization wanted Julian fulltime. Not just as an employee, but as a supervisor and creative director.

The move would be a tremendous shift for Julian. As an independent contractor, he had designed a number of successful products for the company, working out of his home studio and then flying in for consultations on the development and execution of each product line. His positive experience led him to an unofficial role as a recruiter for other creative talent, bringing new artists and perspectives to the firm.

Now the company, settling into its own transition under new ownership, wanted to formalize all of its relationships with Julian, and he was psyched. He viewed the job offer as recognition of the quality of the work he had done, and the investment he’d made in the company.

The timing of the offer seemed to be perfect – if you have a taste for irony. As Julian had left home for the airport, he left with the knowledge that his marriage was ending. In some ways, it was not a surprise. But the events that brought this final realization of what now seemed inevitable still landed like a ton of bricks.

The weightiness of our conversation caused Julian to pull over to the side of the road. Too much to process while trying to drive.

He had a few days to prepare for his next meeting with senior management. The negotiations. It had been years since Julian had actually worked in an office. Now he had to assess things like vacation time. Health care benefits. Investment options. Performance measurements. And the biggest bugaboo of all – salary.

How could he know what he was worth?

We listed the more obvious ways of getting information—talks with people in the company, research on Internet salary calculators, comparison with industry rivals. And we talked about his demonstrated value to the company. That ten year relationship meant he was a known quantity, and therefore should be measured at the mid-salary range for the position. Add the reality that he would have three distinct job functions – designer, creative director and talent development – and Julian saw that he could negotiate from a position of strength.

And at the same time, Julian was not feeling particularly strong nor valued. The end of his marriage was devastating. In contrast to his professional success, he felt that all the effort he had put into his personal life ultimately meant nothing. He was a failure.

From his position by the side of the road, Julian described what excited him about his new job opportunity. Because of his long tenure, he already had relationships in place with several company employees; relationships he would need as he made the transition out of his marriage. He loved the setting of the company headquarters, and the natural beauty that surrounded it. He said that he believed he might be happy again sometime in the future.

I asked him to look around him, and asked if it were possible to see this moment, as we were talking, as a perfect moment. Somewhat startled, he paused and eventually said yes. The sun was shining brightly on the changing leaves around him, perfectly illuminating the transitional fall scene. The artist in him could not help but notice the beauty, and savor it.

My point to Julian was that he did not have to wait for happiness and joy in some far off future. There were bits and chunks of happy available to him right now. And he deserved them. Because he has value, whether his marriage survived or failed, and whether or not the new job worked out. He has value just as he is. And he was going to need to keep his awareness of his worth as he negotiated the transitions on the road before him.

Quote of the Day

You will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it.

Charles Buxton
1823 - 1871

Taking Care

“Take care of yourself.”

Of all the instructions or guidance I share with my clients, this is the one that meets with the greatest resistance.

An experienced senior manager -- struggling to balance a difficult client and his aging father’s latest health crisis – almost bit my head off as I suggested that his first focus should be self-care.

A high profile entertainment personality, juggling a career-defining role and a sibling’s life-threatening illness, dismissed my concern.

An executive navigating the transition into a new industry and out of a bad marriage merely looked confused, as though the idea of maintaining self-focus while building a brand was something that dropped down from Mars.

Each person had a history of success and recognition. Each person could look back and count the barriers they had toppled through pure grit and perseverance, beyond the skill and intelligence they possessed.

So maybe that’s why there is so much resistance to this expression of support. Maybe the phrase lands as an unintended accusation or judgment.

A coach friend of mine suggested that perhaps these words raise some level of unacknowledged alarm, because they imply vulnerability. Or maybe it’s the recognition of negligence, because the recipient knows full well how much care they are taking, or not.

I don’t know why this charge generates so much push back or fear. Experience would suggest that the reasons are as varied and numerous as the stories we tell ourselves every day about the “have-to’s” and “shoulds” and “can’ts” in our lives; the self-created blinders that block out our options.

What I do know (through observation and experience) is that you have to take care of yourself so that you can continue to take care of the people and relationships you care about most.

“Take care of yourself” is NOT permission to act “selfishly.” It is a charge to practice “self-ness;” an appeal to stay aware of your own needs and internal resources so that you know when you’re running low and need to replenish your energy, your spirit.

Self-care is a power source that radiates out, replenishing those around you.

So please, for everyone’s sake, Take Care of Yourself.

Making a List

In an unusual turn of events, a trip with my daughter to a trendy clothing store also ended with a purchase for me!

A miscellaneous accessory bin had a notepad of pages entitled “Things You Do That Really Piss Me Off.” (copyright 2007 by Who’s There, Inc., http://knockknock.biz/) Clearly, this was too good to pass up. And at $7 for 60 pages, it was a bargain!

Beneath the title are four columns of behavior; about 60 items in each with a check-off box next to every one. The choices range from Roll your eyes to Lay on the guilt trip to Second guess everything to the ultimate – Exist.

The note pads thoughtfully include check-offs for larger themes like Sometimes or Please Stop and We’re Through. This way, the user can mix and match. Check Pick Fights and But It’s Cute and you send the recipient a much different message than Pick Fights and We’re Through.

It’s a no-brainer to see the attraction of such a product to adolescents and 20-somethings. The irony, the sarcasm!

But my old jaded eyes saw a self-assessment tool. Let’s flip the script: what behaviors do repeat that amount to self-sabotage and really Piss Us Off?

I’ve identified a few favorites for myself:

Don’t ask for help
Overpack
Blame yourself
Take if personally
Refuse to relax
Leave dishes in the sink

Sometimes? Most of the time? All of the time?

So many choices and combinations.

Even without the help of a preprinted checklist, we all have the ability to review those things we do to ourselves that REALLY PISS US OFF.

What’s on your list?

Instructions for Life

Anyone who knows how to click open an email or hit "send" has been exposed to all varieties of spam, whether from deposed Nigerian executives, or people promising to enhance body parts and functions, or acquaintances offering stale jokes and mindless cartoons.

I have had a personal email account for at least 15 years, and I have received some of everything. Among my least favorite messages are chain letters. You know the ones -- the post that hysterically hypes some piece of misinformation, or the letter that offers some generic good wish or a prayer but then threateningly warns that you must forward the letter to 60 friends within the next five minutes or SOMETHING TERRIBLE WILL HAPPEN.

I've always hated threatening chain letters, so most of my friends know that if they really are invested in continuing the chain, I'm not the one to do it.

I've also been a barrier in forwarding messages of alarm about computer viruses, political
misinformation and other urban legends. The journalist in me likes to check things out before I pass them along. I've found the website http://snopes.com/ to be an invaluable source for debunking false rumors, and, on occasion, verifying important information. I've hipped a lot of friends to this site, and not only have I received their gratitude, but I've also cut down on the amount of junk that finds its way to my inbox.

Now, I'm not so jaded as to dismiss every uplifting thought or smile that comes my way. And I appreciate that people think enough of me to pass along wisdom they think I can use. And so it was this morning when a good friend passed along a message entitled "Good Karma." The email listed 19 so-called "instructions for life" that supposedly came from the Dalai Lama as part of his Message for 2008. I liked their simplicity and wanted to post them on this blog.

The journalist in me immediately reared up her head and demanded I find specific attribution, so that I could tell where these things were said, and in what context. So my first stop was "Snopes," and sure enough, it had the exact email I had received.

Except the "instructions" really DIDN'T come from the Dalai Lama, and in fact, they are a very abbreviated version of a thin volume called "Life's Little Instruction Book," originally published back in 1991 by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Here's the complete article from Snopes: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/dalai.asp

Well. This search had taken me into some unexpected territory. At the end of the morning, I was disappointed, feeling more than a little foolish and ready to abandon the Good Karma list. But it occurred to me: does the source of the instruction list make it resonate any less for me? Does the list offer wisdom, one way or another?

So I decided to stop looking this perfect gift horse in the mouth. And without further ado, here are the 19 Instructions for Life for 2008. I hope they bring Good Karma to you.

(PS: #19 should have been my clue that maybe the Dalai Lama was not the author!)

1) Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2) When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3) Follow the three R's:

• Respect for self
• Respect for others and
• Responsibility for all your actions.

4) Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5) Learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.

6) Do not let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7) When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8) Spend some time alone every day.

9) Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10) Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11) Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12) A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13) In disagreements with loved one, deal only with the present situation. Don't bring up the past.

14) Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15) Be gentle with the earth.

16) Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17) Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18) Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19) Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Perception? Meet Reality

“That should be my job!”

The young woman before me spoke with conviction and sincerity. Yes, there was a measure of ambition mixed in with her comments. But as far as I could tell, her assessment was correct.

“Monica” is a contract worker with a national communications company. She had been a fulltime employee a few years ago, but the downturn in the economy forced layoffs, including Monica. She’d found work with other operations, but none fit her as well, nor offered the same measure of job satisfaction as the first company.

Now she was back – back “home,” if you will – working her heart out with all the additional knowledge and experience she’d collected during her time away.

There were a number of specialize travel assignments coming up, and Monica’s supervisor seemed clueless about where to begin. Monica had several similar assignments under her belt, and she happily provided information and contacts to help the events go smoothly. Her co-workers were delighted with and appreciative of the support she offered so willingly.

The supervisor accepted all of Monica’s contributions. She also regularly attempted to present Monica’s work as her own. As the deadline for each event drew close, the supervisor sometimes would “forget” to include Monica in meetings. Only the calls from panicked co-workers seeking information would alert Monica to the meetings she missed.

Attempts to talk with the supervisor led no where. “I LOVE the work you’re doing here,” she said.

People continued to ask Monica for guidance. Monica tried to defer those inquiries to her supervisor, who responded to employees with comments like “Don’t worry about it” or “Can’t you figure it out?” or even “Ask Monica.”

Monica did have some occasional contact with senior management. She was wise enough to never complain about her supervisor. She simply asked for feedback about her work and the work of her team. Senior management seemed quite happy with the way the projects were going and quite happy with Monica’s supervisor.

Which brings us back to Monica’s declaration of frustration.

I acknowledged that based on performance, it would seem that Monica was doing the job of her supervisor without any of the credit or perks. It also seemed clear to me that her supervisor’s value to senior management was based on factors beyond the responsibilities of the job.

Monica paused. “My supervisor has a good relationship with our VP,” she said.

Based on what? “They go to the same social events. They rub shoulders with the same kinds of famous and powerful people.”

I asked if they were peers. “Yes, they are about the same age.”

Which is about 15 to 20 years older than Monica.

And here is where perception meets reality. My bet is that Monica could run every event by herself, receive accolades from every quarter and her supervisor still would enjoy a position of trust with senior management. Monica’s job performance is not going change that.

So Monica’s contributions have to be based on her own personal compass; her own work ethic and her own values.

Monica is hard-wired to do put out 100 percent effort and to support her team. To do less makes her feel small. It disappoints her.

Of course, Monica is like every other human being. We all want to be acknowledged for our contributions. We all blossom with appreciation.

I asked Monica if it were enough to get the thanks and praises of the co-workers and clients around her, even though they did not translate into the position and salary she believed she deserved. Was it enough to do well at the kind of work she loved for a company that felt like “home?”

The “enough” question is critical. Because, after weighing all the pluses and minuses, the frustrations and the satisfactions, the disrespect and the opportunity, it comes down to choice. Monica’s choice.

Sometimes good work is enough. And sometimes it’s time to leave “home.”

For now, Monica has decided to stay where she is, and to stop stressing about the things she can’t control. That doesn’t mean she’s blind to the possibility that her work situation might deteriorate. Nor does it mean that she’s not keeping her eye out for other opportunities.
But right now, for this moment, the work is enough. And that’s perfect for her.

Flat Footed

Another Brian post:

Brian had me doing another strength/balance exercise. As I held on to an upright support with one hand, arm extend out straight, I slowly lowered a weight towards the floor with my other hand. I did this while bending from the waist, extending one leg straight out behind me as I lowered the weight. When I returned to an upright position, one leg stayed planted as a pivot point while the other hovered just above the floor until I bent over again.

This human pendulum maneuver is harder than it looks, at least for me. You see, I have flat feet. The flattest. I’m talking about feet so flat that when I walk barefoot in the sand, my footprints leave an impression of the entire foot. You won’t see that familiar half-moon image left by people with functioning arches.

Not me. No arch. Never had one. Never will.

So this means that anytime I’m trying to find balance on one foot, I have to compensate for my foot’s natural tendency to roll inward. It doesn’t mean that I can’t do the exercise; it just means I have to work a little harder at it. And I always will.

To the outside observer, this exercise may seem like a piece of cake. They may look at me and wonder why it takes me so long to get started, and why it takes me longer to do my reps.

The point: we’re all made differently, and we may have to find our own way to get to the same result. Just a piece of awareness to carry about ourselves, and about those around us.

September Signs

The yellow buses are rolling again, a sure sign of the transition from summer to fall. Children are returning to the familiar rhythms of the school calendar, whether they welcome it or not.

However, the transition from the relaxation of summer to the busyness of fall is bringing anxiety to a lot of households. The national outplacement firm of Challenger, Gray and Christmas reported this week that more than 375,000 American jobs were cut this summer – the biggest May-to-August loss in six years.

For most people within that number the old adage of “misery loves company” will provide scant comfort. In fact, it may heighten the anxiety quotient. More people out of work means more competition for fewer jobs.

Even the most casual observer of the communications industry knows that the lay-offs and down-sizing have come fast and furious this year as newspapers and other media outlets try to figure out the rapidly-changing landscape of new competition – the internet, social networking sites, blogs (!), vlogs, podcasts, etc. The advertising dollars that fund the industry have disperse, leaving fewer dollars to cover the news or to cover the salaries of those who did the reporting.

I’ve talked to a number of journalists this summer. People who, after long, productive, successful careers, suddenly found themselves facing mandatory layoffs. Or perhaps they found themselves facing a Hobson’s choice: take the buy-out offer on the table or roll the dice and risk a later layoff, at far less lucrative terms.

Those who continue on in their jobs report rising stress levels, worried that every telephone call or email may bring the end of working life as they know it.

For those who are mid-change, the question looms large – Transition To What?

These media workers, like so many people in the workforce, are coming to grips with the changing employment narrative of the new millennium. Among the newest workers, there is little expectation of having one employer until retirement.

Confronted by the reality of the shifting definitions of “work” and “job” and “employment,” transitioning employees are exhorted by outplacement counselors to view themselves as commodities that require branding, marketing and promotion.

Well, maybe we should think about that for a minute. Or more.

I admire those with a command of marketing and public relations. I have always respected those disciplines and the skills needed to do them well. I have enough respect to know that those skills aren’t authentic to everyone, and if you ask some people to think about their “personal brand,” what you’ll get is a deer-in-the-headlights stare and maybe small trickles of sweat around the hairline.

I think there must be an acknowledgement that some people would be quite content to work for someone or some entity for their entire working lives; taking instruction, performing a task they like and collecting a pay check every two weeks.

They valued that security. They didn’t want the added responsibility of self-promotion, self-branding. They wanted to do their jobs, get recognition when they did them well, and get a fair wage.

Now people are telling these workers that they should have paid attention to the changes swirling around them; that they were naïve at best and irresponsible at worst.

All those things may be true. And the process of transition is going to take workers into areas and options they never considered. The journey may provide more illumination and liberation anyone thought possible.

That doesn't change the sense of loss and mourning that these people feel as they watch the school buses join the flow of September back-to-work traffic, wondering where their transition is going to take them.

They have a right to their mourning. That too is part of the transition.

Shape changer

“I want them to see what I can do; not just want I have done.”

My client was describing her vision of what she wanted to convey to potential employers. She knew that she had an impressive resume of accomplishment in a male-dominated field. She had the ability to take scientific knowledge and theory and explain it in a way that made sense to consumers and marketers. She had the agility to shift when economics circumstances changed.

And she had the self-awareness to know when she was changing internally. She knew she had a certain restlessness, and a need to challenge herself anew. She was ahead of the green revolution, and went back to school to get additional training and certification to lead small businesses and larger industries towards smart environmental solutions.

She had a track record of accomplishment. But how to translate that history into a narrative that would show leaders in her new arena what she had to offer?

As you can glean, she is smart. And intuitive. She knew that as an experienced executive, most prospective employers would look at her resume and think of how they could plug her experience into their organizations.

But she knew she was more than her experience. She wanted to express the leader she knew she could be going forward.

That when we started to create a functional resume, a resume that could break down her specific job responsibilities and achievements. She had the insight; together we developed a format that connected the dots between her previous successes and her new learning and her innate creativity and passion.

I love clients like this. People and organizations who can be introspective and look out beyond the horizon at the same time. It’s the willingness to take risk, to reinvent.

Because she can clearly see herself, she can project how she will be seen.

Birthday Blog

At this moment 21 years ago, I was sitting in bed with my feet propped up, too hot and too pregnant to have any hope of finding comfort for more than a few minutes at a time.

I’d worked a full day, even though I was three days past my due date. Congress had just concluded its televised hearings on the Iran-Contra guns-for-hostages scandal, and I’d spent the last few months watching and reporting on each session. I sat in bed with a clear view of what I’d just finished, and no idea of when my next act would begin or what that would mean.

Well, I thought I had a clue. I’d read every book I could get my hands on. Peer wisdom had to come from my older sister, the mother of two. I’d been the first to marry among my core group of girl friends, and now I was breaking new ground yet again.

The experience was different for my husband. He had two children from his first marriage, so although this would be our first child together, he did have perspective that I did not. Still, I had prepared myself as well as any woman could. And in a few hours, it would totally be out of my hands.

What an idiot. As if I truly could ever been prepared for what August 19, 1987 would mean to me. As if all my preparation could create a perfect life for my baby, providing protection from all life’s vagaries and challenges, all the triumphs and the hurts, the abundance of love and the losses.

There is no way I could have known what it would be like to raise this child or the sibling that was to follow, or to predict that ultimately I would raise them as a widow, 180 degrees from the life I had planned for them.

Today I celebrate my son’s 21st birthday. I cannot express the depth of my pride in the man he’s become, and the gratitude I feel in my blessing.

And although he would object loudly and vociferously to my saying this, He Is Perfect.

Brian and Balance

This is another Brian column.

As I previously wrote, Brian is a personal trainer. One of the reasons I enjoy my work with him is because of his ability to explain and demonstrate his exercise choices, and the purpose behind them. Sometimes his explanations have such profound applications outside of the gym that I interrupt our workouts to write down his wisdom. Examples:

“Hold on to your center when the ground is shaking and forces are pulling you.”

Brian loves to work on balance. He will take a standard exercise, then add something extra: deep squats on a balance platform, free-weight arms curls while balancing on one leg, chest presses while sitting on an exercise ball.
The key to these exercises is finding your center. It means turning your focus and awareness inward. When you are aware of your center, you know when you are being pulled off balance and how to regain your footing.

“Resistance will not hold you back if you are sure where you are going. Resistance can work for you and with you.”

Another balance exercise. Brian has me stand on a “Bosu ball" --the name means "both sides united." This hemispherical rubber dome has less stability than sand. After I find my center and can maintain an upright position, he hands me these “resistance bands” (like oversized rubber bands or elasticized jump ropes) and has me slowly pull away from him, while he pulls in the opposite direction.
The interesting thing is if I pull too hard, I totally lose my balance and fall off the Bosu. And if I don’t pull hard enough, I totally lose my balance and fall off the Bosu.
The point: resistance is not always a negative force. Resistance can help you stand tall, support you and force you to find and maintain your center.

A recent article in The Washington Post offers a more complete look about the benefits of balance in exercise:

At Any Age, It Makes Sense to Keep Yourself in Balance

By Brittney Johnson, Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, August 12, 2008; HE01

"There are times in your life when feeling a little off-balance may actually be a good thing. Take it from the experts..."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/09/AR2008080901280.html

Lucky for me, I was ahead of the curve, thanks to Brian.

Great Tips for Great Bosses

I'm doing a hand-off for this post. I know when I can't add to a perfect product. Jill Geisler, who heads up the Leadership and Management Group at the Poynter Institute for Media Studies, nails it with her list of the top ten things great bosses know.

All I can say is Amen.

Here's the link to her column:

http://www.poynter.org/column.asp?id=34&aid=147740

Test, Fail, Recover, Repeat

I try to keep a practice of physical training at least two times a week. Most weeks I keep that commitment, maintaining a routine of aerobic and weight training at my neighborhood gym. Sometimes I treat myself to additional support from a certified personal trainer, Brian.

I use the word “treat” for my work with Brian, and I mean it. He always pushes me beyond the comfort zone I’ve created within my workout routine, and shows me the benefits of trying new options and new approaches. He encourages me beyond my fear of failure when a new exercise or method seems “too hard.” He gives me permission to step away from things that overwhelm me, yet firmly guides me back to learn from my failure and try again. He always seems to be able to measure the distance between my assessment of how many repetitions I can do, and the true depth of the resources I have within.

The learning goes far beyond the physical arena. An example:

Brian likes push ups. Different varieties -- traditional, bent knees, or on the chin up bar. 25 repetitions. The first ten are o.k.; the next ten are challenging, and the last five kill me. If it’s been a while since I’ve worked with Brian, the last five may not happen. Not right away. We may move on to other things. Eventually, we will come back to those push ups and I will find the power to do my 25 reps.
According to Brian, this is the way to build new muscle mass. You have to test your muscles to the point of failure, then give them the chance to rest and rebuild. Then you start the process again.

Test, fail, recover, repeat. It’s the mantra for new learning inside the gym and beyond.

Right Goes Wrong

I was getting ready for an event while attending an out of town conference. A good friend who also had come to the conference was kind enough to wait for me in my hotel room as I finished dressing.

I pulled out a relatively new purchase and slipped it over my head. You can imagine my disappointment as I realized the garment had shrunk in the wash.

“Damn,” I said. “I just bought this thing and I carefully followed all the laundry instructions – cold wash, no bleach, tumble dry low. And it STILL shrunk!”

My friend just shrugged. “Sometimes you can do everything right and it still goes wrong.”

‘Nuff said.

The Zen of Driving

I’m just back from a mini vacation with my family – a little time at the beach house of a friend. To get there, I had the startling yet satisfying experience of being chauffeured by my almost-age-of-majority son. He offered to take on the driving because the route includes a very long, very high suspension bridge and I must sheepishly admit that driving over that span makes me nervous. So it was a pleasure to sit back and leave the driving to him.

To tell the truth, I’m glad that my days as driver’s ed instructor are behind me. I eagerly awaited the chance to get my license when I turned 16, but the contrasts between my first driving experiences in the Midwest and those of my children as they learned to navigate the roads in a big East Coast city are too numerous to list.

I realized there was so much more I needed to show the kids beyond the mechanics of operating a car. The demands of safe, defensive driving require an awareness of self and others that goes unnoticed by veterans road warriors. I came up with a label for my personal brand of instruction. I called it The Zen of Driving.

The Zen of Driving begins with an awareness of where you (and the car) are, moment to moment, whenever you are in the vehicle. Even when the vehicle is not in motion. If the car is parked, how much room do you have to move it onto the road? Are there cars parked around you? How close are they? Are you on an incline? How much acceleration will you need to move forward? What barriers are in your way? Will you need to move backwards before you can move forward?

Once the car is in motion, you have to practice a second level of awareness, simultaneous with the first: Who and what is around you? What are they doing? Have they clearly signaled their intention to change direction? What if they don’t signal? Are there other signs or indicators that indicate a change may be coming? Maybe the car ahead on the right is slowly drifting to the left. Maybe you should prepare to get out of its way, whether its directional signals are blinking, or not.

And what about these pedestrians? Especially the ones with the cellphones are their ears (You KNOW what I’m talking about). They’re standing on the curb in the middle of the block, oblivious to the flow of traffic, ready to jaywalk and secure in the assumption that YOU will manage to stop for them.

And while you keep your awareness of where you are in the road (and the lane), you have to be thinking about where you want to be. Not simply where you want to go, but WHERE YOU WANT THE CAR TO BE. Example: when executing a left turn, you must know what you want to be in at the end of the process. Simply turning the steering wheel to the left may not be enough.

And we won’t even talk about the other variables beyond our control: road condition, weather, darkness, detours.

So by now, I’ve beaten my metaphorical point into the ground, right? The multiple calculations and corrections we make while driving mirror the many choices we are faced with in life. Experienced drivers make their choices on a subconscious level, but maintain the required awareness to get them where they need or want to go. In life, some choices require more intention in order to arrive safely at our destination.

Even with GPS.

Buckle up and be careful out there.

Strength vs Power; Strength and Power; Strength or Power

A group of senior managers was discussing an opening for a new supervisory position. The managers went around the table, assessing employees and their suitability for promotion.

Each candidate had advantages: this one had a strong relationship with the division director; another possessed critical technical expertise; this one’s performance shone during a recent project; another stood out for communications skills.

One employee’s name brought universal praise. “Oh, ‘Sandra’ is terrific!” “Such a team player!” “She is so strong!” “She is the linchpin! I can’t imagine taking on any new project without her!”

After the accolades, the managers moved on to other candidates, without any serious discussion about promoting their “linchpin.”

That omission seemed to be a disconnect to me, so I raised the question: Why not Sandra?

The managers were surprised, and a little sheepish. They described Sandra as the foundation of their efforts; someone who never refused additional tasks or late hours. She cheerfully mentored less-experienced coworkers, often without being asked.

I asked again: Why not Sandra?

The managers kinda shrugged. They just never saw her as management material. "She's always so pleasant and unassuming," one said. "Never high-maintenance; never asks anything for herself."

"She's a real worker bee," another person concluded.

I have to acknowledge a degree of hypersensitivity about the concept of “strong women.” I’ve been hearing about “strong black women” all of my life. I consider myself to be a strong black woman. However, my adult observations of strong women left me somewhat ambivalent. Strong women take care of business and everyone around them. People celebrate their strength and turn to them for help.

But all too often, strong women neglect themselves. They live on the feeling of being needed without ever showing enough self-love to demand the appreciation they deserve.

Strength is the ability to withstand. A strong person can take on more and more weight and still keep going. But there is a limit. Eventually, even the strongest person will break if they are pushed too far beyond their limit.

And the “strong” label can produce an unsettling side effect: Admirers of strong people may see that strength as permission to keep piling on, never questioning if their continued requests for help turn into exploitation. They reinforce the unequal relationship with their gratitude for each assist, and another declaration of admiration for strength.

People talk a lot about “strong” leaders. What I think they really want is a "powerful" leader.

By “powerful,” I don’t mean someone who moves through the world with an unspoken threat of force and the willingness to use it against enemies. I define power as the ability to influence other people, to collaborate and gain knowledge from the perspectives of others, and then lead people to a common purpose or goal.

Strength, in its ability to withstand, is static. Power is dynamic. Strength develops from within. Power radiates out. And you can’t have power without first developing strength.

Some people fear power because of all the historic examples of its abuse. Yet, you rarely hear someone disparage the quality of strength.

By my assessment, the senior managers were overlooking a powerful leader in Sandra. I don’t discount their instincts: there was something about Sandra’s personal presentation that caused them to "hold her small;" that made them see her more as a subordinate than a leader. Perhaps one of them could mentor her about the culture of management in their organization so that she could better “look” like a manager.

By all accounts, Sandra has the goods. Maybe senior management will be willing to use its power to help her become the supervisor it wants.

Trust

A while ago I was listening to a talk radio program on my local NPR station as I drove my teen-aged daughter to an appointment. The topic interested both of us: how parents can monitor internet access by their young children and teens. The guest was an IT executive who had written a book about protecting children from online threats. He detailed a list of precautions parents and schools could take to disable, limit and monitor internet use through computers, cell phones and video games. He also mentioned various software that could allow parents to control access to websites, or track and record the websites kids visit, right down to each individual keystroke. He clearly saw his efforts as part of a war to keep his children safe.

As my daughter and I listened, the author described how he sometimes would catch his teen looking over his shoulder as he worked on his computer, trying to capture the passwords he used. He saw it as a game between them, with his daughter trying to circumvent his controls and his working to stay a step ahead of her efforts.

The first caller into the show was another father who had installed tracking software on his home computer. His question was whether he ever should tell his children about the monitoring systems. The author’s answer was an immediate, unequivocal “NO.”

My daughter turned to me, horrified. I was pretty shocked myself. “’Why wouldn’t he tell them?” she asked. “Why would it be so bad for his kids to know?”

I dropped my daughter off, her question unanswered. So I took it upon myself to call into the show. I pulled over to the side of the road as I waited my turn. The author said that if kids knew about the tracking software, they would try to defeat it. I asked wouldn’t his efforts be more effective if he told his children why he felt the need to monitor their surfing, and how many bad actors there were on the ‘net. It seemed to me that as an IT executive, he could make a pretty strong case.

The author’s reply suddenly turned dramatic, with stories of children who had been abused or even killed by perps they met online. I wanted to return the conversation back to the issue of transparency and trust, but my five minutes of broadcast fame were over and they were on to the next call.

The discussion left me dissatisfied (as most incomplete discussions do). I felt that the author totally missed my point. I had no problem with the tools and options he offered parents to help keep their kids safe. What I did regret was the lost opportunity to provide guidance and learning to the children so that they could develop their own radar and safe practices for the internet. He never explained what he would do if his software did catch a visit to a dangerous website. How would he address his discovery? And how would his warnings and admonitions be received? Wouldn’t the first reaction from his children be “They’ve been spying on me. They don’t trust me. And I can’t trust them.”

This is a story about parenting, but its applications can move directly into a business environment. How many executives work to micro manage and control every contingency, without empowering their employees with the sense of confidence they need to handle the unexpected? In his effort to create a controlled, safe world for his kids, the author offered them no instruction on what to do when they encountered the Internet without his supervision -- at a friend’s home, or at the public library. The only learning his daughter seemed to gain was how to gather information through spying – just like her father.

In most relationships. growth requires some element of trust. The great thing is that whether trust is earned or abused, it still offers the opportunity for growth, for the truster and the trustee.

It’s not safe. But neither is life.

Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag…

…they’re easier to find that way.

A client received a prestigious, long-sought promotion. The position was one of those jobs where preparation only goes so far. It was an environment of multiple deadlines and variable tasks; a place where the learning is done by the doing. Skill comes from the day to day experience.

“Adam’s” appointment was recognition of his native intelligence and his ability to be a quick study. He is a keen observer and picks up new skills quickly. He clearly met the specs for the job.

As you might imagine, in such an environment, mistakes will be made. And Adam made them. Within his first week, he made an obvious error. His supervisor took him aside, corrected him, reassured him and moved on.

Adam could not let go of his mistake. He kept replaying it in his head, reviewing not only his error, but the nuanced reaction of every colleague. The flub absorbed so much of his attention that (you saw this coming) a deadline slipped past him and Boom! Another mistake.

Now Adam was convinced there was a pattern. A pattern of his screwing up. And why not? He’d been a screw up all his life; a misfit, a geek. He was irresponsible, careless, and just not too bright.

Huh? Didn’t I just describe Adam as bright and capable? And hadn’t his employer assessed his talent to be the perfect fit for his new job?

All that was true. But that reality did not mesh with the story of his childhood, where parents and grade school teachers gave him enough negative labels to fill a backpack. And although Adam had achieved great academic and professional success, the bullied child he had been never was far away. Any time his performance was less than perfect, Adam reached back into the “knapsack o’ negativity” he always kept nearby to find the perfect label for his screw up.

It’s true that our mistakes and our failures often can provide us with more learning than our successes. At the very least, a failure offers the opportunity to examine it and say “well, I’ll never do THAT again!” But exaggerated focus on the negative makes it grow bigger, limiting our ability to move forward or change course. And even if we manage to keep moving, the effort takes more energy, making the journey just that much more difficult.

Adam’s “knapsack” stalled his momentum in two ways: it weighed him down and caused him to stop periodically as he gathered up more proof of his defects and added them to the collection.

What would it be like to lay down that “knapsack o’ negativity?”

It's My Story

One of my grad students came by the main classroom of our summer program to update us on the first week of her internship. She was concerned because she had turned down the opportunity to do some field work with people outside her assigned department. Afterwards, her onsite supervisor pulled her aside to let her know that she should have taken the chance to experience different types of work.

Now the student feared she had set a negative impression for the rest of the summer. She explained in great detail why she had been reluctant to step outside her assignment; how she was surprised at how intimidated she was by her talented and experienced co-workers, and the dialogue she had in her head each time she had to interact with them.

In turn, my colleagues and I tried to reassure the student that one false step did not have to sour the rest of the internship. We offered her support; assured her that her professors and her employer had confidence in her abilities. We suggested scripts to use when talking with her colleagues, and to use her sincere admiration as a starting point in conversation. After all, everyone appreciates appreciation.

The student nodded and agreed with all we had to offer. Yet, she continued to rotate between the three faculty members, revisiting the hows and whys of her failure. After the second rotation, I came to realize how wedded she had become to her story. It had become her pet.

People make up stories all the time. And by “story,” I don’t mean lies or deliberate misrepresentations. We all use stories to make sense of the circumstances and situations we encounter every day. It helps to be able to compare an encounter to previous experience. Imagine living each day while having to assess anew each person and each action. It would be exhausting and paralyzing at the same time.

Unfortunately, we can get stuck with stories which no longer are true or no longer work for us. As with my student. Whatever benefit she gained from the self-analysis of her workplace error diminished as she revisited it again and again. In each retelling, the story became a more familiar pet that she could stroke and show off and share with others. It didn’t matter that the story showed her in a negative light. It brought her a certain comfort. It was her story, dammit, and she was sticking to it.

The practice of self awareness also requires balance. We need to assess which stories we use and why; when they work for us and when they outlive their usefulness.

A Perfect Life

This is a long post, and it may meander a bit. I ask for your patience and your indulgence.

One of my grade school classmates was laid to rest yesterday. I use the euphemistic cliché “laid to rest” as an exercise of irony: my classmate clearly found no peace in his last days on this earth. He took his own life in a rather graphic way.

I will tread as lightly as possible on the details of my classmate's life, for the sake of his family and loved ones. And in another bit of irony, it is my awareness of the affection so many people had for the departed that has consumed my thoughts since learning of his death.

“Ray” (I must use a pseudonym here: too hard to write about such a vibrant personality without giving the respect of a proper noun), was the class cut up, the guy everyone had a story about; a memory that made us smile. I first met him in a seventh grade music class on a hot September afternoon. It was during our first days in junior high school and as seventh graders, we were the lowest of the low in the pecking order. In this environment, Ray coordinated a brilliant prank with the music books at the end of class and carried it off flawlessly. As the teacher sputtered, I sat in awe of my peer who had the confidence to pull off a prank of this magnitude so early in the school year.

Ray exuded confidence and fun. People were drawn to him. In a suburban school environment where the majority of students were white and middle to upper middle class, this young black man from a less traditional family structure was a star.

In hindsight, I realize how Ray must have studied the contrast between his home life and that of his classmates. Our suburb was nationally known for its affluence back in the 1960’s, and even among the black children, many of the parents had at least one college degree and the lifestyles that level of achievement could provide. For all his confidence, it was clear that Ray hungered for that perfect life.

Ray was mischievous, glib and a bit of a con artist. Well, sometimes, a lot of a con artist. He always looked at all of the angles, and probed for shortcuts. But there was something so expansive about his personality and his quick intelligence that it was impossible not to like him. Even my mom, a no-nonsense woman who was on the faculty at our school, had to smile when she talked about Ray. Even if she were talking about his latest reprimand or detention.

Ray’s reliance on his quick mind and silver tongue lead him to make some bad decisions early in his adult life, and he paid dearly for those mistakes. Yet, through those same qualities, he was afforded second chances of gargantuan proportions and managed to earn advanced degrees and create what appeared to be a successful professional and personal life, back in the community where he had grown up.

But appearance can be so deceiving.

Another classmate emailed me a copy of Ray’s obituary from my hometown newspaper. Of course, it did not mention the cause of death. Through that link, I read the pages of condolence messages sent in from people from all over the country. I recognized the names of many former classmates, all heartbroken. Their messages made clear that they knew how Ray had left us, even as we asked why.

In her 1999 song "Still," Alanis Morisette writes from the perspective of a supreme being, listing the basic duality of human nature with lyrics like:

“I am your joy and your regret.
I am your fury and your elation.
I am your yearning and your sweat.
I am your faithless and your religion.”

As the song progresses, Morisette shows the worst human tendencies, yet reminds the listener of the eternal availability of hope:

“I see you averting your glances.
I see you cheering on the war.
I see you ignoring your children,
And I love you still.
And I love you still.”

You can link to the complete lyrics here:

http://www.sweetslyrics.com/95267.ALANIS%20MORISSETTE%20-%20Still.html

I don’t think Ray believed that we all saw his frailties, and knew of his failures. But we saw him completely, and he was perfect. We loved him still. I wish that he loved himself.

"I Don't Know"

A friend is in the midst of career transition (I know, get in line). She’s clear about what she does not want to do anymore; about how her work has sucked the joy out of her life and left her among the walking dead.

She tells me about dreams she's had of being in a lovely garden, then realizing that vines within the garden have begun to wrap themselves around her feet and ankles, slowly winding their way up her legs and preventing her from moving.

Well! Can’t get much clearer than that!

However, when asked what she wants to do next, **crickets.**

To break down the question, I asked about her passions.

“I don’t know,” she said, exasperated. “I can’t come up with an answer! What the hell does THAT mean?”

I’m not saying that I know what it means. Sometimes, “I don’t know” means just that: “I don’t know.”

In my experience, “I don’t know” usually is code for “I don’t want to think about this, because if I do, it may mean that I have to choose a course of action or change, and change is scary because I might make the wrong decision, and I don’t know if I can survive that.”

Whew.

In other words, “I don’t know” can be an acknowledgement of fear. And fear rarely provides a good basis for decision making.

"When Did You Know?" -- More

A dear friend contacted me after reading my post “When Did You Know?” Because he is a dear friend, he offered me love and support for my new blog. And because he is a trusted friend, he knew he was welcomed to offer me some constructive criticism about my entry. Specifically, he questioned the use of the phrase "No matter how you feel about homosexuality." He felt it was unnecessary.

And because we are good friends, we could enter into a dialogue about my choice. I challenged him about the use of the word “homosexuality” because I thought I had to address some readers’ possible discomfort with the topic. Homosexuality is the source of the revelations found in both the Cinemax documentary and in Eric Deggans' blog. Homosexuality is the elephant in the room which may cause some readers to lock onto their feelings about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people while missing the examination of self-awareness that inspired me to write the post in the first place.

My friend was not convinced. He said that he knew why I wrote the phrase, but felt that by acknowledging possible bias, I somehow conferred legitimacy to those beliefs. “Would it be okay,” he asked, “to say, ‘no matter how you feel about being Jewish,’ or ‘no matter how you feel about people of different races?’"

As a black woman, I have a lifetime of experience with “otherness;” with people sometimes weighing my thoughts and observations against my color and gender instead of the accuracy or value of the comments themselves.

And here’s where it gets tricky. In the previous paragraph, I just used my race and gender (and the life experience that description implies) to establish my bona fides in commenting on issues of discrimination and bias. As much as I want to be judged for my individual insights, I must embrace all the parts that make me who I am.

I suggested to my friend the acknowledgement that people hold biased or noxious views is not the same as legitimizing those views. It’s simply another form of transparency, or awareness.

For instance: one thing that drives me crazy is when someone (usually white) says to me “I don’t see color.” Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because if you don’t see color, you don’t see me in full. And if someone chooses not to see me -- all of me -- that makes me sad. The individuality that defines us, that cries for recognition in all of us, is the sum of all our life experiences. The good and the bad. The celebrations and the slights. The misunderstandings and the breakthroughs.

In my original post, I focused on Eric Deggans’ description of self discovery as “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” As my friend pointed out, those flashes may illuminate some uncomfortable truths. I believe that discomfort to be a vital part of the process of self awareness.
My friend and I did not reach any ultimate conclusion. I do believe we both came away from our conversation knowing each other -- and ourselves -- better.

Change up

What is difficult for me about sitting with the process of change?

At the halfway point, 2008 clearly is a year of major change and transition. I write this as the US stock markets resemble a theme park ride. The American political landscape is shifting drastically around us. Gas, housing and grocery prices change so fast that folks are being forced to recalculate their budget decisions on a weekly basis.

Personally, my life has been in transition for years; the kind of transitions that smack you upside the head. The deaths of loved ones; illness; sudden professional moves; family shifts. Obviously, all of our lives are in constant transition; it’s just the more jarring ones that get our notice. You can't avoid awareness of the major transitions (even if you wish you could).

But whether it’s transition writ large or transition writ small, there still is a process and an awareness required to move forward with intention and purpose. There are ways to move with transition, instead of feeling helpless about the changes that are happening to you.

I was working out with my trainer (which, by the way, is a powerful way to manage change and the stress it can bring). He is consistent in his preference to use a variety of methods to achieve basic goals. The specific exercises may vary, but the goals are the same: to built core strength through the abdominal muscles and to build flexibility and strength in the upper and lower muscles of the body. He alternates pushing motions with pulling motions – when to exert strength and when to resist -- with varied amounts of weight.

To balance the effort demanded from various muscle groups, my trainer had me shift free weights from one hand to the other while repeating a motion with another muscle group. Type A personality that I am, I worked to maintain the correct form while striving to quickly master a speedy transfer of weight from one side to the other. That is where he stopped me.

“Take your time,” he said. “You have to slow down to recognize the speed of the transition in front of you. Think of it like the exchange of a baton: the lead off runner has to assess the speed required for the next transition in order to achieve a smooth hand off. You can’t stay at the same speed and shift successfully.”

I think I’m like a lot of people who buy into the idea of seamless change. We like the idea of moving effortlessly from one phase to another without the need for introspection or evaluation. No room for learning. And why should it be necessary? Aren’t we often tasked to take on multiple changes, transitions or crises at the same time? Who has time to slow down when everything is being dumped on you at once?

Yet, here I am at the opposite end of that continuum. Everything has seemed to slow down, and I haven’t a clue of what coming at me. The anticipation is excruciating. How can I prepare if I don’t have a clue of what’s ahead?

And yet, maybe that’s precisely the learning. None of us really knows what’s ahead. What we do know for sure is that change is constant, and that it’s always around the bend. So maybe the best any of us can do is strengthen our core, work on our flexibility and try to measure the speed of the transition in front of us. That way, when we can see the approaching change more clearly, we’ll have the flexibility and strength we need to move in the direction we need to go.

"When did you know?"

Eric Deggans is the Media Critic for the St. Petersburg Times in Florida. That role demands that he serve as a keen observer of American culture, because that is exactly what is reflected in the media we consume.

Along with his columns and other reporting, Eric maintains a blog on the St. Pete Times website, called “The Feed.” There, readers can find Eric’s observations about topics and events that may not have found their way into the daily newspaper.

On Monday, Eric wrote about an upcoming Cinemax documentary which poses a pivotal question to 150 gay and lesbian people: When did you know?

Being a good reporter, Eric not only focused on the subjects of the documentary, but also interviewed gay and lesbian people in the greater St. Petersburg area to talk about their journey of self discovery.

Eric writes: “For most I talked to, it was a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition: the impulsive reaction to a TV show or magazine picture; the surprisingly close bond to a friend of the same sex; the unexpected reaction while changing clothes in a gym class. Later, when the social implication of those reactions set in, there was another reaction. This isn't a story of coming out to the world, but coming out to themselves…”

You can check out Eric’s complete column here:

http://blogs.tampabay.com/media/2008/06/for-gay-people.html

Some of the people interviewed also mentioned how friends, family and other observers sometimes recognized their sexual orientation (and sometimes cruelly) even before the individual had reach that awareness on their own.

No matter how you feel about homosexuality, I believe Eric perfectly captures the journey of self awareness: “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” So many people spend so much energy to create the perfect façade, convinced of its ability to hide that which they want to stay hidden, or that the façade has the power to convince others (and themselves) of some alternative reality.

But those “flashes of recognition” keep illuminating the authentic self. We can turn away from enlightenment, or appreciate the light shining on our path. Even if it takes us somewhere we never expected or wanted to go.

In situations personal and professional, it can be frightening and liberating to “come out to yourself.”