Taking Care

“Take care of yourself.”

Of all the instructions or guidance I share with my clients, this is the one that meets with the greatest resistance.

An experienced senior manager -- struggling to balance a difficult client and his aging father’s latest health crisis – almost bit my head off as I suggested that his first focus should be self-care.

A high profile entertainment personality, juggling a career-defining role and a sibling’s life-threatening illness, dismissed my concern.

An executive navigating the transition into a new industry and out of a bad marriage merely looked confused, as though the idea of maintaining self-focus while building a brand was something that dropped down from Mars.

Each person had a history of success and recognition. Each person could look back and count the barriers they had toppled through pure grit and perseverance, beyond the skill and intelligence they possessed.

So maybe that’s why there is so much resistance to this expression of support. Maybe the phrase lands as an unintended accusation or judgment.

A coach friend of mine suggested that perhaps these words raise some level of unacknowledged alarm, because they imply vulnerability. Or maybe it’s the recognition of negligence, because the recipient knows full well how much care they are taking, or not.

I don’t know why this charge generates so much push back or fear. Experience would suggest that the reasons are as varied and numerous as the stories we tell ourselves every day about the “have-to’s” and “shoulds” and “can’ts” in our lives; the self-created blinders that block out our options.

What I do know (through observation and experience) is that you have to take care of yourself so that you can continue to take care of the people and relationships you care about most.

“Take care of yourself” is NOT permission to act “selfishly.” It is a charge to practice “self-ness;” an appeal to stay aware of your own needs and internal resources so that you know when you’re running low and need to replenish your energy, your spirit.

Self-care is a power source that radiates out, replenishing those around you.

So please, for everyone’s sake, Take Care of Yourself.

Making a List

In an unusual turn of events, a trip with my daughter to a trendy clothing store also ended with a purchase for me!

A miscellaneous accessory bin had a notepad of pages entitled “Things You Do That Really Piss Me Off.” (copyright 2007 by Who’s There, Inc., http://knockknock.biz/) Clearly, this was too good to pass up. And at $7 for 60 pages, it was a bargain!

Beneath the title are four columns of behavior; about 60 items in each with a check-off box next to every one. The choices range from Roll your eyes to Lay on the guilt trip to Second guess everything to the ultimate – Exist.

The note pads thoughtfully include check-offs for larger themes like Sometimes or Please Stop and We’re Through. This way, the user can mix and match. Check Pick Fights and But It’s Cute and you send the recipient a much different message than Pick Fights and We’re Through.

It’s a no-brainer to see the attraction of such a product to adolescents and 20-somethings. The irony, the sarcasm!

But my old jaded eyes saw a self-assessment tool. Let’s flip the script: what behaviors do repeat that amount to self-sabotage and really Piss Us Off?

I’ve identified a few favorites for myself:

Don’t ask for help
Overpack
Blame yourself
Take if personally
Refuse to relax
Leave dishes in the sink

Sometimes? Most of the time? All of the time?

So many choices and combinations.

Even without the help of a preprinted checklist, we all have the ability to review those things we do to ourselves that REALLY PISS US OFF.

What’s on your list?

Instructions for Life

Anyone who knows how to click open an email or hit "send" has been exposed to all varieties of spam, whether from deposed Nigerian executives, or people promising to enhance body parts and functions, or acquaintances offering stale jokes and mindless cartoons.

I have had a personal email account for at least 15 years, and I have received some of everything. Among my least favorite messages are chain letters. You know the ones -- the post that hysterically hypes some piece of misinformation, or the letter that offers some generic good wish or a prayer but then threateningly warns that you must forward the letter to 60 friends within the next five minutes or SOMETHING TERRIBLE WILL HAPPEN.

I've always hated threatening chain letters, so most of my friends know that if they really are invested in continuing the chain, I'm not the one to do it.

I've also been a barrier in forwarding messages of alarm about computer viruses, political
misinformation and other urban legends. The journalist in me likes to check things out before I pass them along. I've found the website http://snopes.com/ to be an invaluable source for debunking false rumors, and, on occasion, verifying important information. I've hipped a lot of friends to this site, and not only have I received their gratitude, but I've also cut down on the amount of junk that finds its way to my inbox.

Now, I'm not so jaded as to dismiss every uplifting thought or smile that comes my way. And I appreciate that people think enough of me to pass along wisdom they think I can use. And so it was this morning when a good friend passed along a message entitled "Good Karma." The email listed 19 so-called "instructions for life" that supposedly came from the Dalai Lama as part of his Message for 2008. I liked their simplicity and wanted to post them on this blog.

The journalist in me immediately reared up her head and demanded I find specific attribution, so that I could tell where these things were said, and in what context. So my first stop was "Snopes," and sure enough, it had the exact email I had received.

Except the "instructions" really DIDN'T come from the Dalai Lama, and in fact, they are a very abbreviated version of a thin volume called "Life's Little Instruction Book," originally published back in 1991 by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Here's the complete article from Snopes: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/dalai.asp

Well. This search had taken me into some unexpected territory. At the end of the morning, I was disappointed, feeling more than a little foolish and ready to abandon the Good Karma list. But it occurred to me: does the source of the instruction list make it resonate any less for me? Does the list offer wisdom, one way or another?

So I decided to stop looking this perfect gift horse in the mouth. And without further ado, here are the 19 Instructions for Life for 2008. I hope they bring Good Karma to you.

(PS: #19 should have been my clue that maybe the Dalai Lama was not the author!)

1) Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2) When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3) Follow the three R's:

• Respect for self
• Respect for others and
• Responsibility for all your actions.

4) Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5) Learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.

6) Do not let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7) When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8) Spend some time alone every day.

9) Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10) Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11) Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12) A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13) In disagreements with loved one, deal only with the present situation. Don't bring up the past.

14) Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15) Be gentle with the earth.

16) Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17) Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18) Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19) Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Perception? Meet Reality

“That should be my job!”

The young woman before me spoke with conviction and sincerity. Yes, there was a measure of ambition mixed in with her comments. But as far as I could tell, her assessment was correct.

“Monica” is a contract worker with a national communications company. She had been a fulltime employee a few years ago, but the downturn in the economy forced layoffs, including Monica. She’d found work with other operations, but none fit her as well, nor offered the same measure of job satisfaction as the first company.

Now she was back – back “home,” if you will – working her heart out with all the additional knowledge and experience she’d collected during her time away.

There were a number of specialize travel assignments coming up, and Monica’s supervisor seemed clueless about where to begin. Monica had several similar assignments under her belt, and she happily provided information and contacts to help the events go smoothly. Her co-workers were delighted with and appreciative of the support she offered so willingly.

The supervisor accepted all of Monica’s contributions. She also regularly attempted to present Monica’s work as her own. As the deadline for each event drew close, the supervisor sometimes would “forget” to include Monica in meetings. Only the calls from panicked co-workers seeking information would alert Monica to the meetings she missed.

Attempts to talk with the supervisor led no where. “I LOVE the work you’re doing here,” she said.

People continued to ask Monica for guidance. Monica tried to defer those inquiries to her supervisor, who responded to employees with comments like “Don’t worry about it” or “Can’t you figure it out?” or even “Ask Monica.”

Monica did have some occasional contact with senior management. She was wise enough to never complain about her supervisor. She simply asked for feedback about her work and the work of her team. Senior management seemed quite happy with the way the projects were going and quite happy with Monica’s supervisor.

Which brings us back to Monica’s declaration of frustration.

I acknowledged that based on performance, it would seem that Monica was doing the job of her supervisor without any of the credit or perks. It also seemed clear to me that her supervisor’s value to senior management was based on factors beyond the responsibilities of the job.

Monica paused. “My supervisor has a good relationship with our VP,” she said.

Based on what? “They go to the same social events. They rub shoulders with the same kinds of famous and powerful people.”

I asked if they were peers. “Yes, they are about the same age.”

Which is about 15 to 20 years older than Monica.

And here is where perception meets reality. My bet is that Monica could run every event by herself, receive accolades from every quarter and her supervisor still would enjoy a position of trust with senior management. Monica’s job performance is not going change that.

So Monica’s contributions have to be based on her own personal compass; her own work ethic and her own values.

Monica is hard-wired to do put out 100 percent effort and to support her team. To do less makes her feel small. It disappoints her.

Of course, Monica is like every other human being. We all want to be acknowledged for our contributions. We all blossom with appreciation.

I asked Monica if it were enough to get the thanks and praises of the co-workers and clients around her, even though they did not translate into the position and salary she believed she deserved. Was it enough to do well at the kind of work she loved for a company that felt like “home?”

The “enough” question is critical. Because, after weighing all the pluses and minuses, the frustrations and the satisfactions, the disrespect and the opportunity, it comes down to choice. Monica’s choice.

Sometimes good work is enough. And sometimes it’s time to leave “home.”

For now, Monica has decided to stay where she is, and to stop stressing about the things she can’t control. That doesn’t mean she’s blind to the possibility that her work situation might deteriorate. Nor does it mean that she’s not keeping her eye out for other opportunities.
But right now, for this moment, the work is enough. And that’s perfect for her.

Flat Footed

Another Brian post:

Brian had me doing another strength/balance exercise. As I held on to an upright support with one hand, arm extend out straight, I slowly lowered a weight towards the floor with my other hand. I did this while bending from the waist, extending one leg straight out behind me as I lowered the weight. When I returned to an upright position, one leg stayed planted as a pivot point while the other hovered just above the floor until I bent over again.

This human pendulum maneuver is harder than it looks, at least for me. You see, I have flat feet. The flattest. I’m talking about feet so flat that when I walk barefoot in the sand, my footprints leave an impression of the entire foot. You won’t see that familiar half-moon image left by people with functioning arches.

Not me. No arch. Never had one. Never will.

So this means that anytime I’m trying to find balance on one foot, I have to compensate for my foot’s natural tendency to roll inward. It doesn’t mean that I can’t do the exercise; it just means I have to work a little harder at it. And I always will.

To the outside observer, this exercise may seem like a piece of cake. They may look at me and wonder why it takes me so long to get started, and why it takes me longer to do my reps.

The point: we’re all made differently, and we may have to find our own way to get to the same result. Just a piece of awareness to carry about ourselves, and about those around us.

September Signs

The yellow buses are rolling again, a sure sign of the transition from summer to fall. Children are returning to the familiar rhythms of the school calendar, whether they welcome it or not.

However, the transition from the relaxation of summer to the busyness of fall is bringing anxiety to a lot of households. The national outplacement firm of Challenger, Gray and Christmas reported this week that more than 375,000 American jobs were cut this summer – the biggest May-to-August loss in six years.

For most people within that number the old adage of “misery loves company” will provide scant comfort. In fact, it may heighten the anxiety quotient. More people out of work means more competition for fewer jobs.

Even the most casual observer of the communications industry knows that the lay-offs and down-sizing have come fast and furious this year as newspapers and other media outlets try to figure out the rapidly-changing landscape of new competition – the internet, social networking sites, blogs (!), vlogs, podcasts, etc. The advertising dollars that fund the industry have disperse, leaving fewer dollars to cover the news or to cover the salaries of those who did the reporting.

I’ve talked to a number of journalists this summer. People who, after long, productive, successful careers, suddenly found themselves facing mandatory layoffs. Or perhaps they found themselves facing a Hobson’s choice: take the buy-out offer on the table or roll the dice and risk a later layoff, at far less lucrative terms.

Those who continue on in their jobs report rising stress levels, worried that every telephone call or email may bring the end of working life as they know it.

For those who are mid-change, the question looms large – Transition To What?

These media workers, like so many people in the workforce, are coming to grips with the changing employment narrative of the new millennium. Among the newest workers, there is little expectation of having one employer until retirement.

Confronted by the reality of the shifting definitions of “work” and “job” and “employment,” transitioning employees are exhorted by outplacement counselors to view themselves as commodities that require branding, marketing and promotion.

Well, maybe we should think about that for a minute. Or more.

I admire those with a command of marketing and public relations. I have always respected those disciplines and the skills needed to do them well. I have enough respect to know that those skills aren’t authentic to everyone, and if you ask some people to think about their “personal brand,” what you’ll get is a deer-in-the-headlights stare and maybe small trickles of sweat around the hairline.

I think there must be an acknowledgement that some people would be quite content to work for someone or some entity for their entire working lives; taking instruction, performing a task they like and collecting a pay check every two weeks.

They valued that security. They didn’t want the added responsibility of self-promotion, self-branding. They wanted to do their jobs, get recognition when they did them well, and get a fair wage.

Now people are telling these workers that they should have paid attention to the changes swirling around them; that they were naïve at best and irresponsible at worst.

All those things may be true. And the process of transition is going to take workers into areas and options they never considered. The journey may provide more illumination and liberation anyone thought possible.

That doesn't change the sense of loss and mourning that these people feel as they watch the school buses join the flow of September back-to-work traffic, wondering where their transition is going to take them.

They have a right to their mourning. That too is part of the transition.