A friend is in the midst of career transition (I know, get in line). She’s clear about what she does not want to do anymore; about how her work has sucked the joy out of her life and left her among the walking dead.
She tells me about dreams she's had of being in a lovely garden, then realizing that vines within the garden have begun to wrap themselves around her feet and ankles, slowly winding their way up her legs and preventing her from moving.
Well! Can’t get much clearer than that!
However, when asked what she wants to do next, **crickets.**
To break down the question, I asked about her passions.
“I don’t know,” she said, exasperated. “I can’t come up with an answer! What the hell does THAT mean?”
I’m not saying that I know what it means. Sometimes, “I don’t know” means just that: “I don’t know.”
In my experience, “I don’t know” usually is code for “I don’t want to think about this, because if I do, it may mean that I have to choose a course of action or change, and change is scary because I might make the wrong decision, and I don’t know if I can survive that.”
Whew.
In other words, “I don’t know” can be an acknowledgement of fear. And fear rarely provides a good basis for decision making.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
"When Did You Know?" -- More
A dear friend contacted me after reading my post “When Did You Know?” Because he is a dear friend, he offered me love and support for my new blog. And because he is a trusted friend, he knew he was welcomed to offer me some constructive criticism about my entry. Specifically, he questioned the use of the phrase "No matter how you feel about homosexuality." He felt it was unnecessary.
And because we are good friends, we could enter into a dialogue about my choice. I challenged him about the use of the word “homosexuality” because I thought I had to address some readers’ possible discomfort with the topic. Homosexuality is the source of the revelations found in both the Cinemax documentary and in Eric Deggans' blog. Homosexuality is the elephant in the room which may cause some readers to lock onto their feelings about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people while missing the examination of self-awareness that inspired me to write the post in the first place.
My friend was not convinced. He said that he knew why I wrote the phrase, but felt that by acknowledging possible bias, I somehow conferred legitimacy to those beliefs. “Would it be okay,” he asked, “to say, ‘no matter how you feel about being Jewish,’ or ‘no matter how you feel about people of different races?’"
As a black woman, I have a lifetime of experience with “otherness;” with people sometimes weighing my thoughts and observations against my color and gender instead of the accuracy or value of the comments themselves.
And here’s where it gets tricky. In the previous paragraph, I just used my race and gender (and the life experience that description implies) to establish my bona fides in commenting on issues of discrimination and bias. As much as I want to be judged for my individual insights, I must embrace all the parts that make me who I am.
I suggested to my friend the acknowledgement that people hold biased or noxious views is not the same as legitimizing those views. It’s simply another form of transparency, or awareness.
For instance: one thing that drives me crazy is when someone (usually white) says to me “I don’t see color.” Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because if you don’t see color, you don’t see me in full. And if someone chooses not to see me -- all of me -- that makes me sad. The individuality that defines us, that cries for recognition in all of us, is the sum of all our life experiences. The good and the bad. The celebrations and the slights. The misunderstandings and the breakthroughs.
In my original post, I focused on Eric Deggans’ description of self discovery as “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” As my friend pointed out, those flashes may illuminate some uncomfortable truths. I believe that discomfort to be a vital part of the process of self awareness.
My friend and I did not reach any ultimate conclusion. I do believe we both came away from our conversation knowing each other -- and ourselves -- better.
And because we are good friends, we could enter into a dialogue about my choice. I challenged him about the use of the word “homosexuality” because I thought I had to address some readers’ possible discomfort with the topic. Homosexuality is the source of the revelations found in both the Cinemax documentary and in Eric Deggans' blog. Homosexuality is the elephant in the room which may cause some readers to lock onto their feelings about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people while missing the examination of self-awareness that inspired me to write the post in the first place.
My friend was not convinced. He said that he knew why I wrote the phrase, but felt that by acknowledging possible bias, I somehow conferred legitimacy to those beliefs. “Would it be okay,” he asked, “to say, ‘no matter how you feel about being Jewish,’ or ‘no matter how you feel about people of different races?’"
As a black woman, I have a lifetime of experience with “otherness;” with people sometimes weighing my thoughts and observations against my color and gender instead of the accuracy or value of the comments themselves.
And here’s where it gets tricky. In the previous paragraph, I just used my race and gender (and the life experience that description implies) to establish my bona fides in commenting on issues of discrimination and bias. As much as I want to be judged for my individual insights, I must embrace all the parts that make me who I am.
I suggested to my friend the acknowledgement that people hold biased or noxious views is not the same as legitimizing those views. It’s simply another form of transparency, or awareness.
For instance: one thing that drives me crazy is when someone (usually white) says to me “I don’t see color.” Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because if you don’t see color, you don’t see me in full. And if someone chooses not to see me -- all of me -- that makes me sad. The individuality that defines us, that cries for recognition in all of us, is the sum of all our life experiences. The good and the bad. The celebrations and the slights. The misunderstandings and the breakthroughs.
In my original post, I focused on Eric Deggans’ description of self discovery as “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” As my friend pointed out, those flashes may illuminate some uncomfortable truths. I believe that discomfort to be a vital part of the process of self awareness.
My friend and I did not reach any ultimate conclusion. I do believe we both came away from our conversation knowing each other -- and ourselves -- better.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Change up
What is difficult for me about sitting with the process of change?
At the halfway point, 2008 clearly is a year of major change and transition. I write this as the US stock markets resemble a theme park ride. The American political landscape is shifting drastically around us. Gas, housing and grocery prices change so fast that folks are being forced to recalculate their budget decisions on a weekly basis.
Personally, my life has been in transition for years; the kind of transitions that smack you upside the head. The deaths of loved ones; illness; sudden professional moves; family shifts. Obviously, all of our lives are in constant transition; it’s just the more jarring ones that get our notice. You can't avoid awareness of the major transitions (even if you wish you could).
But whether it’s transition writ large or transition writ small, there still is a process and an awareness required to move forward with intention and purpose. There are ways to move with transition, instead of feeling helpless about the changes that are happening to you.
I was working out with my trainer (which, by the way, is a powerful way to manage change and the stress it can bring). He is consistent in his preference to use a variety of methods to achieve basic goals. The specific exercises may vary, but the goals are the same: to built core strength through the abdominal muscles and to build flexibility and strength in the upper and lower muscles of the body. He alternates pushing motions with pulling motions – when to exert strength and when to resist -- with varied amounts of weight.
To balance the effort demanded from various muscle groups, my trainer had me shift free weights from one hand to the other while repeating a motion with another muscle group. Type A personality that I am, I worked to maintain the correct form while striving to quickly master a speedy transfer of weight from one side to the other. That is where he stopped me.
“Take your time,” he said. “You have to slow down to recognize the speed of the transition in front of you. Think of it like the exchange of a baton: the lead off runner has to assess the speed required for the next transition in order to achieve a smooth hand off. You can’t stay at the same speed and shift successfully.”
I think I’m like a lot of people who buy into the idea of seamless change. We like the idea of moving effortlessly from one phase to another without the need for introspection or evaluation. No room for learning. And why should it be necessary? Aren’t we often tasked to take on multiple changes, transitions or crises at the same time? Who has time to slow down when everything is being dumped on you at once?
Yet, here I am at the opposite end of that continuum. Everything has seemed to slow down, and I haven’t a clue of what coming at me. The anticipation is excruciating. How can I prepare if I don’t have a clue of what’s ahead?
And yet, maybe that’s precisely the learning. None of us really knows what’s ahead. What we do know for sure is that change is constant, and that it’s always around the bend. So maybe the best any of us can do is strengthen our core, work on our flexibility and try to measure the speed of the transition in front of us. That way, when we can see the approaching change more clearly, we’ll have the flexibility and strength we need to move in the direction we need to go.
At the halfway point, 2008 clearly is a year of major change and transition. I write this as the US stock markets resemble a theme park ride. The American political landscape is shifting drastically around us. Gas, housing and grocery prices change so fast that folks are being forced to recalculate their budget decisions on a weekly basis.
Personally, my life has been in transition for years; the kind of transitions that smack you upside the head. The deaths of loved ones; illness; sudden professional moves; family shifts. Obviously, all of our lives are in constant transition; it’s just the more jarring ones that get our notice. You can't avoid awareness of the major transitions (even if you wish you could).
But whether it’s transition writ large or transition writ small, there still is a process and an awareness required to move forward with intention and purpose. There are ways to move with transition, instead of feeling helpless about the changes that are happening to you.
I was working out with my trainer (which, by the way, is a powerful way to manage change and the stress it can bring). He is consistent in his preference to use a variety of methods to achieve basic goals. The specific exercises may vary, but the goals are the same: to built core strength through the abdominal muscles and to build flexibility and strength in the upper and lower muscles of the body. He alternates pushing motions with pulling motions – when to exert strength and when to resist -- with varied amounts of weight.
To balance the effort demanded from various muscle groups, my trainer had me shift free weights from one hand to the other while repeating a motion with another muscle group. Type A personality that I am, I worked to maintain the correct form while striving to quickly master a speedy transfer of weight from one side to the other. That is where he stopped me.
“Take your time,” he said. “You have to slow down to recognize the speed of the transition in front of you. Think of it like the exchange of a baton: the lead off runner has to assess the speed required for the next transition in order to achieve a smooth hand off. You can’t stay at the same speed and shift successfully.”
I think I’m like a lot of people who buy into the idea of seamless change. We like the idea of moving effortlessly from one phase to another without the need for introspection or evaluation. No room for learning. And why should it be necessary? Aren’t we often tasked to take on multiple changes, transitions or crises at the same time? Who has time to slow down when everything is being dumped on you at once?
Yet, here I am at the opposite end of that continuum. Everything has seemed to slow down, and I haven’t a clue of what coming at me. The anticipation is excruciating. How can I prepare if I don’t have a clue of what’s ahead?
And yet, maybe that’s precisely the learning. None of us really knows what’s ahead. What we do know for sure is that change is constant, and that it’s always around the bend. So maybe the best any of us can do is strengthen our core, work on our flexibility and try to measure the speed of the transition in front of us. That way, when we can see the approaching change more clearly, we’ll have the flexibility and strength we need to move in the direction we need to go.
"When did you know?"
Eric Deggans is the Media Critic for the St. Petersburg Times in Florida. That role demands that he serve as a keen observer of American culture, because that is exactly what is reflected in the media we consume.
Along with his columns and other reporting, Eric maintains a blog on the St. Pete Times website, called “The Feed.” There, readers can find Eric’s observations about topics and events that may not have found their way into the daily newspaper.
On Monday, Eric wrote about an upcoming Cinemax documentary which poses a pivotal question to 150 gay and lesbian people: When did you know?
Being a good reporter, Eric not only focused on the subjects of the documentary, but also interviewed gay and lesbian people in the greater St. Petersburg area to talk about their journey of self discovery.
Eric writes: “For most I talked to, it was a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition: the impulsive reaction to a TV show or magazine picture; the surprisingly close bond to a friend of the same sex; the unexpected reaction while changing clothes in a gym class. Later, when the social implication of those reactions set in, there was another reaction. This isn't a story of coming out to the world, but coming out to themselves…”
You can check out Eric’s complete column here:
http://blogs.tampabay.com/media/2008/06/for-gay-people.html
Some of the people interviewed also mentioned how friends, family and other observers sometimes recognized their sexual orientation (and sometimes cruelly) even before the individual had reach that awareness on their own.
No matter how you feel about homosexuality, I believe Eric perfectly captures the journey of self awareness: “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” So many people spend so much energy to create the perfect façade, convinced of its ability to hide that which they want to stay hidden, or that the façade has the power to convince others (and themselves) of some alternative reality.
But those “flashes of recognition” keep illuminating the authentic self. We can turn away from enlightenment, or appreciate the light shining on our path. Even if it takes us somewhere we never expected or wanted to go.
In situations personal and professional, it can be frightening and liberating to “come out to yourself.”
Along with his columns and other reporting, Eric maintains a blog on the St. Pete Times website, called “The Feed.” There, readers can find Eric’s observations about topics and events that may not have found their way into the daily newspaper.
On Monday, Eric wrote about an upcoming Cinemax documentary which poses a pivotal question to 150 gay and lesbian people: When did you know?
Being a good reporter, Eric not only focused on the subjects of the documentary, but also interviewed gay and lesbian people in the greater St. Petersburg area to talk about their journey of self discovery.
Eric writes: “For most I talked to, it was a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition: the impulsive reaction to a TV show or magazine picture; the surprisingly close bond to a friend of the same sex; the unexpected reaction while changing clothes in a gym class. Later, when the social implication of those reactions set in, there was another reaction. This isn't a story of coming out to the world, but coming out to themselves…”
You can check out Eric’s complete column here:
http://blogs.tampabay.com/media/2008/06/for-gay-people.html
Some of the people interviewed also mentioned how friends, family and other observers sometimes recognized their sexual orientation (and sometimes cruelly) even before the individual had reach that awareness on their own.
No matter how you feel about homosexuality, I believe Eric perfectly captures the journey of self awareness: “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” So many people spend so much energy to create the perfect façade, convinced of its ability to hide that which they want to stay hidden, or that the façade has the power to convince others (and themselves) of some alternative reality.
But those “flashes of recognition” keep illuminating the authentic self. We can turn away from enlightenment, or appreciate the light shining on our path. Even if it takes us somewhere we never expected or wanted to go.
In situations personal and professional, it can be frightening and liberating to “come out to yourself.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
