Fans of the HBO series "Sex and the City" may remember Miranda's "skinny jeans." The episode focused on Miranda's triumph when she successfully got back into a pair of blue jeans she favored before her pregnancy with her son. The jeans were more than a piece of clothing; they represented the pre-baby story she maintained about her appearance and her life.
Most women I know have graduated wardrobes -- clothes that reflect the passage of styles and sizes that match various periods of their adult lives.
One executive I know kept a picture of her thinner self in her home office with a PostIt attached which said "I Want This Body Back!"
Another entrepreneur I know had maintained a closet carefully coordinated by size so that she could retrieve whatever outfit she needed, no matter where she fell within her six-size spread (no pun intended).
Now, I like to save money as much as the next person. And despite the thrill of "retail therapy," I usually discourage the idea of shopping just for the fun of shopping. There are other, better feel-good remedies to be found.
However, the idea of retreating to old clothes and old body images doesn't work for me either.
When I asked the executive about her fixation with her 20-years younger self, she talked about how attractive she was back then. Indeed, the photograph shows a beautiful, confident woman; a show-stopper. She was, as they say in the venacular, FINE.
The passage of two decades had not robbed this vice president of her looks. She remains a beautiful woman, commanding attention whenever she walk into a room.
Does it make sense for any middle-aged woman to compete against image of someone 20 years younger? Even if it's your own image?
Think on that.
As for the clothing collector: can it be good to keep reaching back to old images and presentions? Even if the clothes fit the body, they may not fit the personality inside them now.
Millions of words have been written and spoken about weight loss and body image and fitness and self-maintenance. Those all are important issues, but secondary to this point of this essay. I am writing about self awareness in the present moment. Where you are now, and where you are going.
The executive acknowledged that her 20-years-younger self looked great, but lacked the awareness and experience she now brought to the executive suite. The entrepreneur knows she is putting forth a much different image to the world now that she works for herself.
It's not the garment, nor the number on the label, that determine the "fit." That comes from within.
Try that on for size.
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
I Am Who I Am
“I don’t want to be jealous, but I think that maybe I am.”
This admission came from a vice president at a national non-profit organization. In the past year, he had moved from running the main communications arm of the organization into a more specialized role, designing specific strategies to move his coalition into the 21st Century.
“Michael” has the most fascinating background of almost anyone I know. Peace Corps volunteer, newspaper correspondent and editor, university instructor, fellowship grantee, government consultant, television news producer and more. He has a talent for taking complex ideas and situations and presenting them in a way that is accessible to people of every stripe. He exhibits a sense of empathy and patience, knowing what context his audiences need to understand the issues and challenges before them.
Ironically, that patience and empathy often go missing inside an office. Michael can whip up at least three fresh strategic ideas each day, with a clear vision of how to put them in motion. Yet he becomes extremely impatient when his managers or senior executives fail to understand or quickly enact his plans. That impatience has surfaced everywhere he has worked.
Another piece of irony: Michael has a gift for supervising and developing subordinates. He listens completely, encourages dissent, welcomes creative thinking, is generous with appreciation and credit AND fights hard to get his staff the resources and promotion they deserve.
But Michael has no interest in nor time for “managing up,” as the saying goes. He figures that anyone on the executive level should automatically know what they're doing and it's not his job to teach them.
Whatever else one might say about Michael’s executive officers, they deserve credit for recognizing that Michael’s strategic talents might best be utilized in a position less likely to generate so much friction between him and his higher-ups. And thanks to his staff development efforts, one of Michael’s direct reports needed little grooming to move into the vice presidency vacancy created by Michael’s transition into his new role.
Which brings us back to the matter of jealousy. Michael’s replacement is having much more success in persuading senior management to consider and try new communications models – models that usually come from Michael’s new office.
“I don’t understand why they listen to her when they wouldn’t listen to me,” he said.
“What does she do that is different?” I asked.
“Well, she listens to all their asinine objections, even when she knows they’re wrong. She compliments them about their input and observations. She almost never says ‘no’ to any of their requests, even when it might jeopardize a more important project.”
“Hmmm. Seems like she had a great teacher.”
Michael paused, then laughed. “Yeah, I guess that sounds a lot like the way I treated my old staff.”
Michael recognized the patterns of his behavior, the good and the bad. He’d always had a reputation for being a wonderful boss, and at the same time, he’d had problems with authority all his working life. He knew he did his best work when given space and autonomy.
Michael recognized his patterns. And he recognized that after all these years, he had no desire to change them. Even in service of a better title and a bigger pay check. He had the self awareness to know what he was willing to do, and what he was not.
He’d just lost sight of that reality for a moment, even as he was taking pride in the accomplishments of his former manager.
“Still jealous?” I asked.
“Maybe a little,” he smiled. “But I think it’s under control.”
This admission came from a vice president at a national non-profit organization. In the past year, he had moved from running the main communications arm of the organization into a more specialized role, designing specific strategies to move his coalition into the 21st Century.
“Michael” has the most fascinating background of almost anyone I know. Peace Corps volunteer, newspaper correspondent and editor, university instructor, fellowship grantee, government consultant, television news producer and more. He has a talent for taking complex ideas and situations and presenting them in a way that is accessible to people of every stripe. He exhibits a sense of empathy and patience, knowing what context his audiences need to understand the issues and challenges before them.
Ironically, that patience and empathy often go missing inside an office. Michael can whip up at least three fresh strategic ideas each day, with a clear vision of how to put them in motion. Yet he becomes extremely impatient when his managers or senior executives fail to understand or quickly enact his plans. That impatience has surfaced everywhere he has worked.
Another piece of irony: Michael has a gift for supervising and developing subordinates. He listens completely, encourages dissent, welcomes creative thinking, is generous with appreciation and credit AND fights hard to get his staff the resources and promotion they deserve.
But Michael has no interest in nor time for “managing up,” as the saying goes. He figures that anyone on the executive level should automatically know what they're doing and it's not his job to teach them.
Whatever else one might say about Michael’s executive officers, they deserve credit for recognizing that Michael’s strategic talents might best be utilized in a position less likely to generate so much friction between him and his higher-ups. And thanks to his staff development efforts, one of Michael’s direct reports needed little grooming to move into the vice presidency vacancy created by Michael’s transition into his new role.
Which brings us back to the matter of jealousy. Michael’s replacement is having much more success in persuading senior management to consider and try new communications models – models that usually come from Michael’s new office.
“I don’t understand why they listen to her when they wouldn’t listen to me,” he said.
“What does she do that is different?” I asked.
“Well, she listens to all their asinine objections, even when she knows they’re wrong. She compliments them about their input and observations. She almost never says ‘no’ to any of their requests, even when it might jeopardize a more important project.”
“Hmmm. Seems like she had a great teacher.”
Michael paused, then laughed. “Yeah, I guess that sounds a lot like the way I treated my old staff.”
Michael recognized the patterns of his behavior, the good and the bad. He’d always had a reputation for being a wonderful boss, and at the same time, he’d had problems with authority all his working life. He knew he did his best work when given space and autonomy.
Michael recognized his patterns. And he recognized that after all these years, he had no desire to change them. Even in service of a better title and a bigger pay check. He had the self awareness to know what he was willing to do, and what he was not.
He’d just lost sight of that reality for a moment, even as he was taking pride in the accomplishments of his former manager.
“Still jealous?” I asked.
“Maybe a little,” he smiled. “But I think it’s under control.”
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Taking Care
“Take care of yourself.”
Of all the instructions or guidance I share with my clients, this is the one that meets with the greatest resistance.
An experienced senior manager -- struggling to balance a difficult client and his aging father’s latest health crisis – almost bit my head off as I suggested that his first focus should be self-care.
A high profile entertainment personality, juggling a career-defining role and a sibling’s life-threatening illness, dismissed my concern.
An executive navigating the transition into a new industry and out of a bad marriage merely looked confused, as though the idea of maintaining self-focus while building a brand was something that dropped down from Mars.
Each person had a history of success and recognition. Each person could look back and count the barriers they had toppled through pure grit and perseverance, beyond the skill and intelligence they possessed.
So maybe that’s why there is so much resistance to this expression of support. Maybe the phrase lands as an unintended accusation or judgment.
A coach friend of mine suggested that perhaps these words raise some level of unacknowledged alarm, because they imply vulnerability. Or maybe it’s the recognition of negligence, because the recipient knows full well how much care they are taking, or not.
I don’t know why this charge generates so much push back or fear. Experience would suggest that the reasons are as varied and numerous as the stories we tell ourselves every day about the “have-to’s” and “shoulds” and “can’ts” in our lives; the self-created blinders that block out our options.
What I do know (through observation and experience) is that you have to take care of yourself so that you can continue to take care of the people and relationships you care about most.
“Take care of yourself” is NOT permission to act “selfishly.” It is a charge to practice “self-ness;” an appeal to stay aware of your own needs and internal resources so that you know when you’re running low and need to replenish your energy, your spirit.
Self-care is a power source that radiates out, replenishing those around you.
So please, for everyone’s sake, Take Care of Yourself.
Of all the instructions or guidance I share with my clients, this is the one that meets with the greatest resistance.
An experienced senior manager -- struggling to balance a difficult client and his aging father’s latest health crisis – almost bit my head off as I suggested that his first focus should be self-care.
A high profile entertainment personality, juggling a career-defining role and a sibling’s life-threatening illness, dismissed my concern.
An executive navigating the transition into a new industry and out of a bad marriage merely looked confused, as though the idea of maintaining self-focus while building a brand was something that dropped down from Mars.
Each person had a history of success and recognition. Each person could look back and count the barriers they had toppled through pure grit and perseverance, beyond the skill and intelligence they possessed.
So maybe that’s why there is so much resistance to this expression of support. Maybe the phrase lands as an unintended accusation or judgment.
A coach friend of mine suggested that perhaps these words raise some level of unacknowledged alarm, because they imply vulnerability. Or maybe it’s the recognition of negligence, because the recipient knows full well how much care they are taking, or not.
I don’t know why this charge generates so much push back or fear. Experience would suggest that the reasons are as varied and numerous as the stories we tell ourselves every day about the “have-to’s” and “shoulds” and “can’ts” in our lives; the self-created blinders that block out our options.
What I do know (through observation and experience) is that you have to take care of yourself so that you can continue to take care of the people and relationships you care about most.
“Take care of yourself” is NOT permission to act “selfishly.” It is a charge to practice “self-ness;” an appeal to stay aware of your own needs and internal resources so that you know when you’re running low and need to replenish your energy, your spirit.
Self-care is a power source that radiates out, replenishing those around you.
So please, for everyone’s sake, Take Care of Yourself.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Making a List
In an unusual turn of events, a trip with my daughter to a trendy clothing store also ended with a purchase for me!
A miscellaneous accessory bin had a notepad of pages entitled “Things You Do That Really Piss Me Off.” (copyright 2007 by Who’s There, Inc., http://knockknock.biz/) Clearly, this was too good to pass up. And at $7 for 60 pages, it was a bargain!
Beneath the title are four columns of behavior; about 60 items in each with a check-off box next to every one. The choices range from Roll your eyes to Lay on the guilt trip to Second guess everything to the ultimate – Exist.
The note pads thoughtfully include check-offs for larger themes like Sometimes or Please Stop and We’re Through. This way, the user can mix and match. Check Pick Fights and But It’s Cute and you send the recipient a much different message than Pick Fights and We’re Through.
It’s a no-brainer to see the attraction of such a product to adolescents and 20-somethings. The irony, the sarcasm!
But my old jaded eyes saw a self-assessment tool. Let’s flip the script: what behaviors do repeat that amount to self-sabotage and really Piss Us Off?
I’ve identified a few favorites for myself:
Don’t ask for help
Overpack
Blame yourself
Take if personally
Refuse to relax
Leave dishes in the sink
Sometimes? Most of the time? All of the time?
So many choices and combinations.
Even without the help of a preprinted checklist, we all have the ability to review those things we do to ourselves that REALLY PISS US OFF.
What’s on your list?
A miscellaneous accessory bin had a notepad of pages entitled “Things You Do That Really Piss Me Off.” (copyright 2007 by Who’s There, Inc., http://knockknock.biz/) Clearly, this was too good to pass up. And at $7 for 60 pages, it was a bargain!
Beneath the title are four columns of behavior; about 60 items in each with a check-off box next to every one. The choices range from Roll your eyes to Lay on the guilt trip to Second guess everything to the ultimate – Exist.
The note pads thoughtfully include check-offs for larger themes like Sometimes or Please Stop and We’re Through. This way, the user can mix and match. Check Pick Fights and But It’s Cute and you send the recipient a much different message than Pick Fights and We’re Through.
It’s a no-brainer to see the attraction of such a product to adolescents and 20-somethings. The irony, the sarcasm!
But my old jaded eyes saw a self-assessment tool. Let’s flip the script: what behaviors do repeat that amount to self-sabotage and really Piss Us Off?
I’ve identified a few favorites for myself:
Don’t ask for help
Overpack
Blame yourself
Take if personally
Refuse to relax
Leave dishes in the sink
Sometimes? Most of the time? All of the time?
So many choices and combinations.
Even without the help of a preprinted checklist, we all have the ability to review those things we do to ourselves that REALLY PISS US OFF.
What’s on your list?
Sunday, July 6, 2008
It's My Story
One of my grad students came by the main classroom of our summer program to update us on the first week of her internship. She was concerned because she had turned down the opportunity to do some field work with people outside her assigned department. Afterwards, her onsite supervisor pulled her aside to let her know that she should have taken the chance to experience different types of work.
Now the student feared she had set a negative impression for the rest of the summer. She explained in great detail why she had been reluctant to step outside her assignment; how she was surprised at how intimidated she was by her talented and experienced co-workers, and the dialogue she had in her head each time she had to interact with them.
In turn, my colleagues and I tried to reassure the student that one false step did not have to sour the rest of the internship. We offered her support; assured her that her professors and her employer had confidence in her abilities. We suggested scripts to use when talking with her colleagues, and to use her sincere admiration as a starting point in conversation. After all, everyone appreciates appreciation.
The student nodded and agreed with all we had to offer. Yet, she continued to rotate between the three faculty members, revisiting the hows and whys of her failure. After the second rotation, I came to realize how wedded she had become to her story. It had become her pet.
People make up stories all the time. And by “story,” I don’t mean lies or deliberate misrepresentations. We all use stories to make sense of the circumstances and situations we encounter every day. It helps to be able to compare an encounter to previous experience. Imagine living each day while having to assess anew each person and each action. It would be exhausting and paralyzing at the same time.
Unfortunately, we can get stuck with stories which no longer are true or no longer work for us. As with my student. Whatever benefit she gained from the self-analysis of her workplace error diminished as she revisited it again and again. In each retelling, the story became a more familiar pet that she could stroke and show off and share with others. It didn’t matter that the story showed her in a negative light. It brought her a certain comfort. It was her story, dammit, and she was sticking to it.
The practice of self awareness also requires balance. We need to assess which stories we use and why; when they work for us and when they outlive their usefulness.
Now the student feared she had set a negative impression for the rest of the summer. She explained in great detail why she had been reluctant to step outside her assignment; how she was surprised at how intimidated she was by her talented and experienced co-workers, and the dialogue she had in her head each time she had to interact with them.
In turn, my colleagues and I tried to reassure the student that one false step did not have to sour the rest of the internship. We offered her support; assured her that her professors and her employer had confidence in her abilities. We suggested scripts to use when talking with her colleagues, and to use her sincere admiration as a starting point in conversation. After all, everyone appreciates appreciation.
The student nodded and agreed with all we had to offer. Yet, she continued to rotate between the three faculty members, revisiting the hows and whys of her failure. After the second rotation, I came to realize how wedded she had become to her story. It had become her pet.
People make up stories all the time. And by “story,” I don’t mean lies or deliberate misrepresentations. We all use stories to make sense of the circumstances and situations we encounter every day. It helps to be able to compare an encounter to previous experience. Imagine living each day while having to assess anew each person and each action. It would be exhausting and paralyzing at the same time.
Unfortunately, we can get stuck with stories which no longer are true or no longer work for us. As with my student. Whatever benefit she gained from the self-analysis of her workplace error diminished as she revisited it again and again. In each retelling, the story became a more familiar pet that she could stroke and show off and share with others. It didn’t matter that the story showed her in a negative light. It brought her a certain comfort. It was her story, dammit, and she was sticking to it.
The practice of self awareness also requires balance. We need to assess which stories we use and why; when they work for us and when they outlive their usefulness.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
"When Did You Know?" -- More
A dear friend contacted me after reading my post “When Did You Know?” Because he is a dear friend, he offered me love and support for my new blog. And because he is a trusted friend, he knew he was welcomed to offer me some constructive criticism about my entry. Specifically, he questioned the use of the phrase "No matter how you feel about homosexuality." He felt it was unnecessary.
And because we are good friends, we could enter into a dialogue about my choice. I challenged him about the use of the word “homosexuality” because I thought I had to address some readers’ possible discomfort with the topic. Homosexuality is the source of the revelations found in both the Cinemax documentary and in Eric Deggans' blog. Homosexuality is the elephant in the room which may cause some readers to lock onto their feelings about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people while missing the examination of self-awareness that inspired me to write the post in the first place.
My friend was not convinced. He said that he knew why I wrote the phrase, but felt that by acknowledging possible bias, I somehow conferred legitimacy to those beliefs. “Would it be okay,” he asked, “to say, ‘no matter how you feel about being Jewish,’ or ‘no matter how you feel about people of different races?’"
As a black woman, I have a lifetime of experience with “otherness;” with people sometimes weighing my thoughts and observations against my color and gender instead of the accuracy or value of the comments themselves.
And here’s where it gets tricky. In the previous paragraph, I just used my race and gender (and the life experience that description implies) to establish my bona fides in commenting on issues of discrimination and bias. As much as I want to be judged for my individual insights, I must embrace all the parts that make me who I am.
I suggested to my friend the acknowledgement that people hold biased or noxious views is not the same as legitimizing those views. It’s simply another form of transparency, or awareness.
For instance: one thing that drives me crazy is when someone (usually white) says to me “I don’t see color.” Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because if you don’t see color, you don’t see me in full. And if someone chooses not to see me -- all of me -- that makes me sad. The individuality that defines us, that cries for recognition in all of us, is the sum of all our life experiences. The good and the bad. The celebrations and the slights. The misunderstandings and the breakthroughs.
In my original post, I focused on Eric Deggans’ description of self discovery as “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” As my friend pointed out, those flashes may illuminate some uncomfortable truths. I believe that discomfort to be a vital part of the process of self awareness.
My friend and I did not reach any ultimate conclusion. I do believe we both came away from our conversation knowing each other -- and ourselves -- better.
And because we are good friends, we could enter into a dialogue about my choice. I challenged him about the use of the word “homosexuality” because I thought I had to address some readers’ possible discomfort with the topic. Homosexuality is the source of the revelations found in both the Cinemax documentary and in Eric Deggans' blog. Homosexuality is the elephant in the room which may cause some readers to lock onto their feelings about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people while missing the examination of self-awareness that inspired me to write the post in the first place.
My friend was not convinced. He said that he knew why I wrote the phrase, but felt that by acknowledging possible bias, I somehow conferred legitimacy to those beliefs. “Would it be okay,” he asked, “to say, ‘no matter how you feel about being Jewish,’ or ‘no matter how you feel about people of different races?’"
As a black woman, I have a lifetime of experience with “otherness;” with people sometimes weighing my thoughts and observations against my color and gender instead of the accuracy or value of the comments themselves.
And here’s where it gets tricky. In the previous paragraph, I just used my race and gender (and the life experience that description implies) to establish my bona fides in commenting on issues of discrimination and bias. As much as I want to be judged for my individual insights, I must embrace all the parts that make me who I am.
I suggested to my friend the acknowledgement that people hold biased or noxious views is not the same as legitimizing those views. It’s simply another form of transparency, or awareness.
For instance: one thing that drives me crazy is when someone (usually white) says to me “I don’t see color.” Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because if you don’t see color, you don’t see me in full. And if someone chooses not to see me -- all of me -- that makes me sad. The individuality that defines us, that cries for recognition in all of us, is the sum of all our life experiences. The good and the bad. The celebrations and the slights. The misunderstandings and the breakthroughs.
In my original post, I focused on Eric Deggans’ description of self discovery as “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” As my friend pointed out, those flashes may illuminate some uncomfortable truths. I believe that discomfort to be a vital part of the process of self awareness.
My friend and I did not reach any ultimate conclusion. I do believe we both came away from our conversation knowing each other -- and ourselves -- better.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
"When did you know?"
Eric Deggans is the Media Critic for the St. Petersburg Times in Florida. That role demands that he serve as a keen observer of American culture, because that is exactly what is reflected in the media we consume.
Along with his columns and other reporting, Eric maintains a blog on the St. Pete Times website, called “The Feed.” There, readers can find Eric’s observations about topics and events that may not have found their way into the daily newspaper.
On Monday, Eric wrote about an upcoming Cinemax documentary which poses a pivotal question to 150 gay and lesbian people: When did you know?
Being a good reporter, Eric not only focused on the subjects of the documentary, but also interviewed gay and lesbian people in the greater St. Petersburg area to talk about their journey of self discovery.
Eric writes: “For most I talked to, it was a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition: the impulsive reaction to a TV show or magazine picture; the surprisingly close bond to a friend of the same sex; the unexpected reaction while changing clothes in a gym class. Later, when the social implication of those reactions set in, there was another reaction. This isn't a story of coming out to the world, but coming out to themselves…”
You can check out Eric’s complete column here:
http://blogs.tampabay.com/media/2008/06/for-gay-people.html
Some of the people interviewed also mentioned how friends, family and other observers sometimes recognized their sexual orientation (and sometimes cruelly) even before the individual had reach that awareness on their own.
No matter how you feel about homosexuality, I believe Eric perfectly captures the journey of self awareness: “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” So many people spend so much energy to create the perfect façade, convinced of its ability to hide that which they want to stay hidden, or that the façade has the power to convince others (and themselves) of some alternative reality.
But those “flashes of recognition” keep illuminating the authentic self. We can turn away from enlightenment, or appreciate the light shining on our path. Even if it takes us somewhere we never expected or wanted to go.
In situations personal and professional, it can be frightening and liberating to “come out to yourself.”
Along with his columns and other reporting, Eric maintains a blog on the St. Pete Times website, called “The Feed.” There, readers can find Eric’s observations about topics and events that may not have found their way into the daily newspaper.
On Monday, Eric wrote about an upcoming Cinemax documentary which poses a pivotal question to 150 gay and lesbian people: When did you know?
Being a good reporter, Eric not only focused on the subjects of the documentary, but also interviewed gay and lesbian people in the greater St. Petersburg area to talk about their journey of self discovery.
Eric writes: “For most I talked to, it was a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition: the impulsive reaction to a TV show or magazine picture; the surprisingly close bond to a friend of the same sex; the unexpected reaction while changing clothes in a gym class. Later, when the social implication of those reactions set in, there was another reaction. This isn't a story of coming out to the world, but coming out to themselves…”
You can check out Eric’s complete column here:
http://blogs.tampabay.com/media/2008/06/for-gay-people.html
Some of the people interviewed also mentioned how friends, family and other observers sometimes recognized their sexual orientation (and sometimes cruelly) even before the individual had reach that awareness on their own.
No matter how you feel about homosexuality, I believe Eric perfectly captures the journey of self awareness: “a slow process, marked by flashes of recognition.” So many people spend so much energy to create the perfect façade, convinced of its ability to hide that which they want to stay hidden, or that the façade has the power to convince others (and themselves) of some alternative reality.
But those “flashes of recognition” keep illuminating the authentic self. We can turn away from enlightenment, or appreciate the light shining on our path. Even if it takes us somewhere we never expected or wanted to go.
In situations personal and professional, it can be frightening and liberating to “come out to yourself.”
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