A Perfect Day

I write this the morning of my son’s college graduation. The sun has been up for about an hour. A smattering of clouds lessens the sun’s intensity and may threaten the outdoor commencement ceremonies planned for later this morning.

Yet, I am looking out on a perfect day, one of the most perfect I have known.

Most of my close family has gathered in New England this morning, safely negotiating the insane holiday weekend traffic. The state of my mother’s health would not permit her to join us, but we will share this special moment with her later this week.

Readers of this blog will know that for the majority of their lives, I have raised my two children by myself, following their father’s sudden death years ago. In the early morning quiet, as our daughter sleeps peacefully in the bed next to mine, my head is filled with my late husband.

Like so many parents, we began to plan our children’s lives while they were still in utero. We thought about the type of neighborhood we should live in, where we would vacation, what lessons they would take and what we would expose them to in order for them to become fully rounded citizens of the world.

Most importantly, we talked about education. Education was of paramount importance to both of us. My husband actually may have been more intense, since there was no assumption in his family that he or any of his brothers ever would go to college. Service in the military, an overnight job paired with a full daytime class load, and a variety of student loans helped him reach his goal. I came from a family where a college education was the expectation, not an option. So I think I didn’t feel the imperative that my husband felt.

We would talk about what colleges our children might attend, like a lot of obsessive yuppie parents. We had evidence of our son’s intellect and character early in his life. At about age three, our son had taught himself to read, yet was reluctant to let us know because other kids had yet to reach his level. He has displayed that combination of intelligence and humility throughout his life.

My husband and I would project into the future, visualizing the college settings where our children’s names were called and they walked across the stage to receive their degrees.

Unfortunately, by the time my children graduated from high school, their father’s passing had long since become woven into the fabric of our lives.

As I wrote, this is a perfect morning. My son will be graduating with honors today. Every time I think about that, it makes me cry. I cry for our losses, I cry for our struggles, I cry for our victories, I cry for my son’s achievements today and those he and his sister have won in the past and those yet to come. I cry for how we got over.

I cry for the incalculable gift of family and friends, the Village that has helped me raise my children. I cry for my late father, whose extraordinary example as a man, husband, father, grandfather and community leader provided the foundation for where we are today. I cry in gratitude for all the love and support that surrounds all of us today, terrestrial and celestial.

The sky is looking a little more ominous. We may get that rain.

It will be perfect.

Gratitude Attitude

It’s the morning before Thanksgiving and I’ve been up for awhile because I have a lot do: more food to get, more cleaning to finish and more cooking to start. I’ll be running around for most of the day, like people all over the country.

Fortunately, I’ve got a good start on the number one thing on my “to do” list.

Giving thanks.

My thanksgiving began in earnest last night as each of my children made it home safely from their respective colleges. One came by air and one came by car. When my son came through the door, the three of us remained in a group hug that lasted for about a full minute. We basked in the appreciation of the moment.

Now, I’m sure you’ve probably heard or read about this before, but there are numerous academic and medical studies that show the multiple benefits of the practice of gratitude. Robert A. Emmons, PhD, a professor of psychology at University of California, Davis, is a pioneer in the research on gratitude and one of the leading scholars in positive psychology. His book Thanks: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier, presents the results of studies in which randomly selected participants made weekly and daily lists of the things in their lives that created feelings of gratitude or times when they experienced gratitude. When compared with those groups which focused on the things that bugged them, or the group that made no lists at all, the researchers recorded these advantages in the Gratitude Group:

• Fewer health complaints
• Fewer symptoms of physical illness
• Better sleep patterns
• Better relations with other people
• Greater empathy
• Greater satisfaction with life as a whole

Research by Phillip Watkins, a clinical psychologist at Eastern Washington University, found that a grateful attitude may provide useful coping skills for dealing with losses and other stressful events.

I’m particularly focused on Watkins’ research today, because this has been a tough, tough year for so many people. The economic upheaval has touched everyone I know, personally and professionally. The universal constant is uncertainty.

I certainly claim no immunity. This year has brought unexpected losses of loved ones, health challenges and financial reversals that demand a continual review and reevaluation of assumptions, values and priorities. If I wasn’t clear before about what matters, I’ve had to figure it out, again and again.

Yet, as Emmons’ and Watkins’ studies show, it’s during times like these that gratitude matters most. The practice of gratitude teaches that we have the resilience and resources to handle the tough times, and can generate the confidence that we’ll be able to handle whatever lies ahead.

Consider: in the midst of international recession and global uncertainty, the people of the United States have made a historic choice which speaks to the promise of our democracy and our collective sense of resilience. No one knows what’s going to happen next, but polls show the majority of Americans are choosing to be hopeful about our future.

I’d call that a gratitude practice.

I’ve got to get to the rest of my “to do” list.

Happy thanks giving -- today, tomorrow and every day.